I'm getting new glasses in about two weeks, this coming thursday is payday for my mom and she is going to pay the glasses people and then it takes a week to ten days for the lenses to be made.I looooove the new frames i picked out they're really nice. Yesterday my mom was in the kitchen when i was weighing myself, which is pretty much the only thing that i'm not paranoid about, and she saw how much i weigh and she says'Are you losing weight?'  '..yeah'   My highest weight was 227lbs and now my lowest is 206lbs.I think she now suspects something, because whenever she leaves for work (she leaves before i do) she yells to me 'Don't forget to take a lunch'  Because I used to call her whenever i 'forgot' to take a lunch to school.She seems pretty pissed whenever i don't eat lunch. I don't eat breakfast or lunch.She drove me to school this morning because i missed my bus, and she asked me if i was starving myself, i just looked at her.. i didn't know what to say and she just said '..because i think you are' ... blank stare, that's all i could do... not even a little smile.My friend doesn't eat lunch either but she eats like a pig when she gets home, she actually eats more then i do and she's 'i-can-count-your-ribs skinny' but she's healthy though.My face is breaking out like crazy.. i'm not sure why though.I am DEFINITELY lactose intolerant because i had some hot chocolate made with pure milk and i felt SUUUUUUUPER sick.... shitty :P Now that my mom suspects something i DEFINITELY can't tell her about anything...My friend Amanda (who is one of my dad's ex-girlfriends... but she's cool cuz she's really young..) said that it sounded like i was starving myself too, she used to have Anorexia when she was younger and she said she knows what i'm going through. She only lives a few houses up so she's really there for me anytime i need to talk to her.She helped my sister get through some shit when she was younger and my sister even lived with Amanda for abit and then she moved home for a few months and then she moved in with her boyfriend at that time and now she is living with his parents (his parents are foster parents as well) and she has a new boyfriend and is now currently 8 months pregnant and moving into her own apartment in few weeks, She's due 15 July, 2008. No matter what i do or how i feel i always feel super dizzy and nauseaus i don't know why, i'll eat and i'll still feel sick and dizzy if not worse.  I'm not sure what to do right about now. Part of me wants to tell my mom but part of me doesn't, i'm being pulled in soooo many different directions it's making feel crazy.  I can't eat enough anymore to actually be able to purge, not only do we not have enough money to buy all that junk that i use for my binges but i've trained my stomach to eat very little and sometimes i do have a binge and then someone always comes home and i can't get rid of it which puts me in a bad mood, i've actually resorted to throwing up while the shower is going and then i take a shower and i feel slightly better.Because of my back and my on going exhaustion i cannot exercise much if at all, so i depend on my  food intake and B/P's to lose weight which does not help me at all and because i cannot drink or eat milk products my bones and joints are VERY weak that and add my weight to all of that i am very close to ending up in the hospital and i think that's what it might take for me to really realize and understand how severe this desease really is.  I cannot stand to be in the hospital, a few weeks ago i had a hard time breatheing and i had really bad chest pains and i refused to go to the hospital because i despise hospital and doctors.  I know that one of these days that i will end up having to go to the hospital because of a heart attack or heart failure, I just can't bring myself to tell my mom or anyone in my family about my eating disorder, i've just realized, after about 4 years that i had developed an eating disorder and that the worst is yet to come. But i don't know how or who to ask for help or what is going to happen when/if i get this 'help'.I'm just really scared right now and it's costing me alot to keep this all held up, and it's going to destroy my body AND mind someday,... Probally soon.I do want to be healthy for my neice before she is born or at least before she realizes what her auntie is doing to herself, I definitely do NOT want her following in MY footsteps, if she does she's in for one hell of horrible life.                                                                     -Perfection