43

April 7th was my last bet.  That would make today 43 days since my last bet, for some reason, I can't count :)  The time is going by, quicker than I anticipated.  Its a process, each day is a new day and a new challenge, each day I have gamble free is a gift, I cherish.  I didn't count days before, I just said "today I didn't gamble."  This time around, I am counting days, I think its more important to me than any other time I "quit" before, and there have been plenty over the last 10 years of this addiction.  I can't really explain my resolve, or my need, my desire, my hope, my fear.  I feel it this time, I want it this time. I have no fear that I will forget how to play poker if I don't play for awhile, I see how stupid that thought process was, I am not saying, "I will stop for a year" and then go out and treat myself to another game of poker. I had the oddest thought patterns before.  This time, for me, I know that to place a bet, at anytime in my life, is  one bet away from falling right back into the cycle of this sick addiction I have.  I know, for me, I can never place a bet again, gamble, turn a card, walk into a casino, or even buy a lottery ticket.  I am very competitive, I always have been, I hate to lose at anything, could be a good thing, could be a bad thing, but for me, I am challenging myself to overcome this addiction and the only way I can do that, honestly is by staying in recovery. My recovery includes, reaching out, asking for help, connecting with other addicts, being honest with my family and friends, going to meetings, and starting the 12 steps.  But, not so much that its overwhelming for me and all consuming.  I know, that where I was 43 days ago was a dark, scary, lonely place.  I never, ever want to go back there again.  I also know for me, that my recovery will be for the rest of my life, one day at a time.  Thats okay, one day at a time for the rest of my life, that's okay! xoxoxo