A good night's sleep. Finally. I'm reflecting on my last several days, days mixed with quiet, peaceful moments, where I feel that I am who I am, followed by explossions of words asaulting my brain. My wife hits me so hard with her words. A constant barrage, every thought and nuance of thought that passes through her mind. My brain is forcibly taken over...forced to think and BE another person's thoughts. Alien thoughts...thoughts I myself would never think. But thoughts so forcefully expressed that they leave me confused over my own reality. That part which is still me lives in either numbness or fear. Fear of missing some of the thoughts, which will lead to accusations that I never listen...never pay attention to her...accusations which in themselves will take a seeming eternity to express and end with her personal expressions of how I can't stand her anymore and how I just want to spend time with others online and how everyone of my pixel people has become more important to me than her. When my mind is stronger I can find room for more of my own thoughts. I can try to engage in conversation or comment on her thoughts. This is a bad thing. My own conversation is either ignored (too alien for her own thought stream) or, as it expresses a different viewpoint from her own, are automatically made to be argumentative, which leads to a faux silence of 30 seconds before a barage on the negative state of our marriage begins. Now I'm wondering if it is really this bad, or if I'm just exagerating for the sake of emphasis. I don't know. My reality is too blury. What are my thoughts, and what are hers? Are my opions merely restatements of hers? I know they are mine when I'm dealing with issues that she has not expressed opinions on. But when she expresses opions, what are mine? It's so hard to tell sometimes. Sorry, this was meant to be a positive, reflective post. I'm not sure what it is instead, but I don't think positive is the word. Safe paths, everyone.
Replies
Its hard to keep one\'s integrity when an outsider spends their \"constructive\" time chiseling chinks in your wall. I hear the confusion of separation from the other in your talk, I too find that a barrier to my own happiness. When I have awareness, which isn\'t always, I try to envision that bright light surrounding me and protecting my core from the onslaughts. We pixel people are really helping each other. It\'s too bad she can\'t see how hard you\'re trying to just understand what is happening to her. I think she is very lucky to have you.
It is what you needed it to be. I am sorry my husband was really verbally abusive. I understand. Do not let it tear down the awesome person you are. I mean that. I know what it is like. Like being beaten physically with some invisible object that you cannot defend youself from. So painful. More so because the scars they leave no one can see. They seem to not be real but they are. I know. They are worse then the one\'s you can see somtimes. I am here for you. I love you. Michele. Let me know if you need to talk hun.
OMG alph, that is so descriptive of how i feel about the way my husband makes me feel also, his voice is ALWAYS in the back of my mind telling me what a failure i am and it has made me have hatred for his voice ... i try to hear the good things that used to come out of his mouth also but the ugly things drown them out ... were the nice things he ever said only lil \"white lies\" he sees no problem telling (i have come to wonder if everything he says now is true or not)or are the mean hateful words his REAL feeling? Low self image, self esteem, depression SUCKS! I yearn for the days i felt self confident and knew right from wrong... where did those feelings go???!???