My God, why do I do this? I spent too much time at work on this site, and I come on tonight to find even more disaster has befallen. Sometimes I see -- no, I feel -- the right words to say. And sometimes they work. But sometimes I'm not sure. I can't take credit for the words because I don't really know where they come from. While helping someone feels good, I feel like I can never do enough. When I see a thread from a soul in pain and no words come to me, I feel bad. When I'm critisized in any way, I feel bad. And I am always, always worried that my words will hurt someone rather than help. Again, I ask why must I try to save the world? I can't save my wife -- I don't have a clue how to reach her. Maybe if she posted on these forums I could help her. I talk much better with my fingers than with my mouth. I'm exhausted but I can sleep in in the morning. My eyes are teering. I don't know if it's because I'm sad or because I'm tired. Do I care too much? Not enough? Is some higher force judging me? Helping me? Ignoring me? God, I just want to be hugged and for someone to take care of me for a while. I can't do it though. I can't accept help without feeling that I must give more than I recieve. It's how I define my self-worth. Because I'm slacking at work and I can't help my wife, I feel pretty worthless right now. Bah. I shouldn't be journalling at 1:42 am. All the negative nonsense pours out. I'm too tired to put up defences. Is this my reality? Or is this just me wallowing. Put me back on that fence and shoot me with the marshmallow gun. Cover me so I can't hear anything, or see anything, or do anything. Take away my responsibility to be responsible. Is this a death wish? No, it's just me escaping for a while. The problem is, the escape is never long enough. OK, my brain is churning and generating phisophical drivel. I'm going to sleep to pretend I'm being cuddled., and maybe dream of being burried in marshmallows. Goodnight, DS. I hope you feel better in the morning. I hope I do, too.
Replies
love you Al..and never doubt that your words and kindness make a difference because they do...
And for you my jedi friend the softest of hugs the most encouraging of words and a giant marshmallow gun to stick you on the fence right next to me
You have plenty of company on that fence. The truth is, good people do as much as they can. You can\'t take the burden of the world on your shoulders, it\'s not your responsibility. You help each of us one by one. You make a difference to me, come lean on me when you need it - I\'ll be glad to help. Love, Susan
Wow! I can really find alot of myself in your words. I feel guilty for the time I take for myself so I never can enjoy it. I don\'t seek help for myself but seek out every opportunity to help another. My husband has many issues from his childhoood which inhibits his functionality in many ways. I think we could learn alot from one another.