Well here is Friday night and I am sitting here in front of this computer. So many feelings inside and I just don't know where to start. I love and miss my baby more than anything in this world. It is a terrible thing I will never ever get over. But I must continue on. How I do not know? I wish I knew what God had in store for John and I. We are like in two different worlds. I know ya'll keep telling me to be patient. But my question is what happens to our marriage while I am being patient. Right now he is in his chair probably a sleep or watching the Discovery Channel. I hate to say it but the more I look at us the sadder I get. Because the 16 years we had Josh there was no us. It was Josh and I. We would always include John but he never wanted to do anything with us. So Josh and I would go. I was 20 when we married I was 15 when we started dating. I can't even remember what it was like back then. But, I miss those days. Maybe I put my marriage on the back burner when Josh was born. Josh was my first and main concern. Part of me really really wants to just go. Get me a little apartment by myself. But I know that is not what Josh would want. But I think he would not want his daddy and I so unhappy. Please help me take and choose the right path for me. Josh, I love you and miss you more than you will ever know. Next week will be 10 months. 10 months not seeing you smile, 10 months of not hearing you on the phone with Logan. Josh, Mama is not happy. Please Josh send me some kind of sign to show me the right way to go. I need your and God's help. Your daddy misses you too. Please look out for me. I love you, Joshie Pooh.