Finally today I think I feel OK.  Yesterday was a different story.  I got up and had a little crying spell.  I got control of myself.  All day at work it was like I was putting on an act to just through the day.  I even saw one of my friends that I have only seen once since Josh died.  I called her to make sure it was her and it was.  She acts like she just don't know what to say to me.  She said you sound good.  I might sound good put inside I am terrible.  I am tired of putting on this show.  I didn't talk with her long.  Well, I went by to visit Josh on the way home and was crying by the time I drove up the drive.  I cleaned his marker off.  On my hands and knees and just cried like a baby.  I cried all the home and even went by the scene.  Thank God John came home right behind me.  He could tell I was having a hard time.  I just laid on the couch.   John said "Rhonda have you watered Josh's garden yet." My reply was no.  So, I went out and took care of Josh's memorial garden we have planted.  I felt much better.   Josh being my only child I feel like there is nothing left me to do at home.  I have got to find something to keep me busy after work.  Any suggestions out there.  To all of you here at DS, thank you from the bottom of my heart for being here for me.  I love you Josh, Mama