It is 11:54 am here in North Carolina. It's just me at the office. Everyone has gone to lunch. I thought I would write abit. But, once I log on I don't know what to say. I am so worried and John (my husband). It seems like he is with drawing more and more. Everytime I reach out I get rejected. I don't know how much more rejection I can take. I spoke to his sister this morning and agree with her that John is in depression and looks like he is the saddest person on this earth. The 27th of this month we will be married 20 years. 16 of those 20 we had Josh. It was always Josh and I. We always did our thing. Maybe John is thinking I didn't need him then, why should I need him now. He and I are not the same people anymore. I am going to therapy and CF and beg him to go, but he won't. I just don't know what to do. I am only 40 years old. I have been with him over 1/2 of my life and love him dearly. But again how much rejection can I take. It's is bad enough I am having to deal with the lost of my precious boy but to worry about what the future holds for John and I. I want us to be happy again one day. I know it will take time. But right now I feel like we need each other not pushing each other away. Well, I guess I better act like I am working. I love you and miss you Joshie Pooh!!!! Love, Rhonda
Replies
Rhonda,everyone grieves in their own way.Some people,like your husband and me,too, withdraw completely.It doesnt mean that he doesnt care or need you.Give him time.In the meanwhile,keep reaching out to him in little ways,pamper him a bit.And dont ever feel guilty about the special mother n son bond.ALL of us had it.
Rhonda, Please just give it somemore time. Men seem not to beable to verbalize or show thier emotions as we weman do. Can you talk about your feelings with him or does he get angry with you if you push? How about little touches from you often, maybe it will soften him and he will be able to communicate his needs. Prayers to you my friend love Melissa
Reena and Melissa are right, as you know. Maybe you could go to some of the websites and see what they offer as suggestions to help him. It does seem that many men feel they have failed to protect their family and in that mindset, they lash out or reject those closest to them. If you love him, and I think you do, you may have to fight to save HIM as well as saving yourself. God bless, and be well - Barbara
Please give him time. Men grieve differently from women,they are not verbal and tend to withdraw. Bill and I are also having a hard time but in our case it\'s mostly me. Try to talk, if he won\'t just hold his hand and say I understand, Not easy when you need support but worth it in the end
No matter what anyone says...women are the strong ones. I think that men are not capable of handling emotional issues. They are doers, fixers, problem solvers....not huggers, kissers, criers, group therapy joiners (I know some are, but in general, most aren\'t). I think our men just have no idea how to handle not being able to \"fix\" it this time. And since they\'re not internally made up of the stuff we are, they have, or feel they have, no avenue to get this life back on track. No amount of telling them about how great therapy is will convince them to go if it\'s not a part of their soul to do so naturally. My suggestion, continue to tell him how much you love him, how much you need him, and how much his very presense is a comfort to you. Tell him about your day when you\'ve had a good therapy session without making it sound like you think he should go....lead by example, not words, if that makes any sense?? As he sees you healing through therapy, DS, being with friends, talking to him, whatever, he will be inclined to follow. Of course all this is being said by a grieving mother, married to the step-dad who \"is over\" it all (I guess, he certainly doesn\'t seem to need anything) so what do I know. I should probably have just written a simple I\'m sorry and I\'ll be thinking about you.
Living to make Kala proud,
Teri
Give your husband the time he needs. Be as supportive as you can to him, even though you are grieving, too, even if that means just leave him alone. We all grieve in our own ways. I am praying for you both.