I made it through the weekend. Friday we had Josh's stone put down. It is beautiful. It has his picture etched in color and his peace symbol sand blasted on. He would be proud. I have thought about posted a picture of it, if some of my dear friends here want to see it. I cried alot when I went out there. I took a blanket and just sat there. John still no emotion. How can he show no emotion? I just don't understand. We went back out last night. We have a solar light in Josh's flower vase. His stone is really beautiful at night with his light hitting it. I fell apart last night. Josh still no emotion. I cried all the way home. I got home ran my bathtub full of water and cried some more. John still no emotion. No comfort to me. I feel like I am riding in a boat right by myself. But, I know I have all of you. I didn't want to come to work today but I thought it would take my mind off of things. I still feel so guilty. I feel like I sent Josh to his grave. He didn't want to drive to start with. Maybe I didn't make him drive enough with his permit. I miss my baby so much. It is killing me inside and I put on a good pretend show on the outside. I love you Josh. Love, Mama
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I would love to see the beautiful stone you chose for Josh. I know he is proud. And I know he loves to darling. Roger too shows little to no emotion (though he is Kala\'s step dad). It bother\'s me too and I often question why isn\'t he as torn up as I am? How is he functioning every day like it\'s just another day? I have no answers that truly satisfy me. He is Roger and I am Teri....we\'re different, that\'s all. I wish I could say something to take away those nasty, ugly, guilty feelings. I know, and more importantly Josh knows, YOU DID NOT CAUSE HIS DEATH. You are and have always been a great mom. Full of love and support and guidance for Josh. You did what we all have done in one way or another, guided our children into adulthood. Him getting his license was just one more step he needed to take. He does not blame you, please do not blame yourself. I know I\'m not walking in your shoes and have no right to say this, but I believe with all my heart that Josh wants only for you to be happy and to stop blameing yourself. He knows how much you love him. It doesn\'t stop with death of the body. There is NO death of the spirit, and he is with you forever. I pray you find comfort and peace and joy again dear friend.
Living to make Kala proud,
Teri
Teri is correct there is no death of the Spirit. It returns to GOD immediately!
We were told Branden\'s stone will be in the first part of May.
Guilt if from the evil one to destroy us and make us weak. I also have to fight guilt, because my husband was so hard on him and me in 2006 and I allowed it. I became weak. If I had known what was coming I would have reasured Branden that he was a wonderful person. I helped him get his car that he ended up being killed in.
So my prayers are for both of us to be able to defeat the evil one. We didn\'t say drive and this horrible thing will happen, we just wanted them to be happy and enjoy life.
We are all part of the women\'s guilt club-I think somehow we must be brought up that way-I think from the time we\'re little we are conditioned to believe that we are responsible for everyone\'s happiness and well-being-so of course we revert right back to that when our child dies-and if there are other family members who are not handling the death well, we take that on too-I should be there for them, it\'s my fault they are so unhappy-it really is endless for so many of us and yet I know in my heart and spirit that everyone of our children is standing over us giving us a lecture now-\"come on Mom-this was not your fault-I know how much you love me-I know you did everything you could-I didn\'t always listen, I may not have truly understood when I was with you physically, but I KNOW now-there is no blame-there is just love and I want you to get better and stop beating yourself up.\" I can hear Chris saying in the stern voice he would get every now and then, \"Mom, just stop.\" I know it\'s easier said than done, and it\'s something each one of us has to work through, but hopefully in time we can move past it.
We are all part of the women\'s guilt club-I think somehow we must be brought up that way-I think from the time we\'re little we are conditioned to believe that we are responsible for everyone\'s happiness and well-being-so of course we revert right back to that when our child dies-and if there are other family members who are not handling the death well, we take that on too-I should be there for them, it\'s my fault they are so unhappy-it really is endless for so many of us and yet I know in my heart and spirit that everyone of our children is standing over us giving us a lecture now-\"come on Mom-this was not your fault-I know how much you love me-I know you did everything you could-I didn\'t always listen, I may not have truly understood when I was with you physically, but I KNOW now-there is no blame-there is just love and I want you to get better and stop beating yourself up.\" I can hear Chris saying in the stern voice he would get every now and then, \"Mom, just stop.\" I know it\'s easier said than done, and it\'s something each one of us has to work through, but hopefully in time we can move past it.
it really sucks when we dont have someone to hold us and try to make us feel better. I think they are afraid if they open up they will cry or feel pain and they want to do everything they can to avoid that. Josh\' accident is not your fault. we all feel so guilty because we werent there to protect our babies that has been our job since conception. we think we could have prevented this from happening. we would have if we would have known we all would have grabbed our kids and said you are not leaving and made them stay home, but we didnt know and we cant change it! it really sucks. You are a good mom and your baby knows this he is saying \"c\'mon mom you can do this!! dont be sad\" you take care of yourself and remember we are all here for you . love alissa
I have not lost a child. But I have lost my mother she was only 46 years old. My husband acts like I should be over it by now. It has only been a year. I think it is getting harder. He has never lost a parent but he did lose a best friend in a horrific car accident so you would think he would understand a little more. But he doesn\'t. It would make me feel so much better if he acted like he cared even the least little bit. I just think men can\'t react to things with as much emotion as we do.
Thank you for sharing the picture Josh\'s stone. What a statement. As a mom that lost her child as well the stone shares the beauty of your son. What he stood/stands for. Prayers for comfort. Warren\'s mom (Sharlene)