Well, I am supposed to be working. But, all I want to do is think and talk about my Josh. This morning on the way to work I was thinking back when we had to go to the hospital for someone to idenify him. Even though we were on the scene. All I picture is him lying on the cold metal table. His eyes black. But, He just looked like he was sleeping. I couldn't bring myself to hug him. All I did was touch his hand. If I could redo that I would have just held him and told how much I loved him. And how sorry I was that I made him get them license. It is my fault my baby boy is dead!!!!
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Dear One,
It isn\'t your fault Josh is gone anymore than it is ours that Branden is gone.
Branden was on his way to get last minute Christmas presents. I was having our family get together for Christmas Eve at 4:30pm. He left his mothers about 1:pm in a hurry because he would have to wrap them and get to our house. His girl friend was getting dressed and ready. I left to pickup goodies. He was already laying on the road at that time. The corner picked him up and drove by his address and was told by a neighbor we were two blocks away so he drove to our home with a police officer and told my husband who took the corner to his mothers. When I came home my husband was back and told me. I couldn\'t stop screaming. Because it was our Lord\'s holiday I called the corners office and made them let us see him. Maybe it wasn\'t him. There he lay. Like you it won\'t leave my mind and my loss has changed me forever!
I am here for you and hope in some way I can help you. It is hard to help myself, I take Effexor and am counseling, tears are always there, and I pray for some kind of understanding.
Branden\'s gram
Boy do I know how that feels,Ashley wanted her lic but I got her the car,I knew that intersection was bad but I didnt tell her not to go that way,when she came back home why didnt I say take your time be careful,WHY??!!! Because we had no idea these things would have happen, she was a responsible kid ALWAYS, I went to a compassionate friends mtg last night and what they tell you is DONT SHOULD ON YOURSELF!! I hope you have a better day ..take care your friend Kim
the image of our babies lying there cold n lifeless will never leave us.We will always think that maybe we could have done something to avert the disaster.Its all destiny.THATS ALL WE CAN TELL OURSELVES.
I can only feel your pain and wish my prayers would make your grief a little easier. I also lost my son but not in a car accident. He was 28 went to work, fell off the chair and never revived. I miss him so much. I was saying that tonight how I miss him and wish I could hug him again. I know life and death are in the hands of GOD. We are told not to question. We are supposed to the loss into a positive and say that we had our children that long and the joy that they gave us. I do pray for everyone that has lost a loved one. Our life has changed forever. Now we have to learn to live again with the acceptance of the loss of our loved ones. Hugs and prayers to all.
I was scarred to hug my daughters dead body too. I also wish I would have hugged her one last time she was so cold though and I was afraid of remembering details or injuries that I might feel if I touched her too much. I stroked her eye brows (never saw her open dead eyes they were closed) at the funeral home and at the funeral I stroked her hair but once again was too afraid to hug her especially after the autopsy. I also feel at fault. i wish I would have made sure and told her that day to call me and tell me if anyone was drinking and driving and I would pick her up no matter what time. I really wish I would have just grabbed her and held her and never let her leave. take care love alissa
I kissed my sons cold forehead.i couldnt bear to see him lifeless.I felt as if i had abandoned him and did not protect him....though my kids always said that i was TOO protective.Its really tough to bring up boys.
Rhonda,
I am reading through your journal - 4 yrs later and I wonder if you feel any differently. As moms we always think we can protect them and fix anything... that\'s what we do... make it better. I still go through all the \"should haves\' as well. We would do anything for them. Long story... I did not see my son\'s body after his accident - for many reasons (in my journal)... mostly because I thought I may go instantly insane - which may have not been a bad thing as I look back, but I have a daughter and a husband and they need me. Your words could have been my own.