Moving on
Yesterday ended very well, I think. I didn't get to a meeting, but it was alright. I do understand the importance of meetings, and I have no plans of slaking off. I just went with the guy I do work for and it just went that way. I suppose he's trying to help me, but he doesn't understand alcoholism, or recovery and what I need to do.
I'm trying not to steal anymore. that seems to be a problem for me. I've stole most of my life just trying to feel better, but it got to almost seem like a necessity just to survive while drinking and drugging. In actuality it doesn't make me feel better, because I feel extremely guilty after and have turned to drinking to not feel that, or to avoid any bad feelings.
Today I caught myself wanting to swipe a toonie that somebody had left for coffee where I go to meetings. It would have been so easy, and nobody would have known. Nobody except me. I did put it in my pocket. Then I thought of how I had money now, and didn't have any real need for it. I also thought about the guilt I would feel after, as well as the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to be honest. In A.A, it does say that we need to be "rigorously honest". How can I recover if I'm not able to be honest about anything. I can't, and that dishonesty just brings more bad feelings that will eventually take me back out.
I also remember how humiliated and embaresed I was the last time I got caught trying to steal a sandwich from a store. I got mad at the time, and had to give it back. The lady was preventing me from leaving with it, and I had only 2 choices. Try to leave, taking a chance that I might hurt someone without meaning to, and having the police get involved again and have a big nightmare develope, or just give the damned thing back and get out. I chose the latter, thank God, and I left very embaressed.
I really am tired of being that person. I want to be a good person and I can't do that and keep stealing. When I drank and drugged, I lied, cheated, stole, and whatever else I thought needed to be done so that I could continue using. I hated doing these things, but felt I had to. They always made me feel bad after. I felt guilty, hopeless to change or be me, whoever that is. I knew it was wrong, and that's not the person I wanted to be. So, I am finally trying to not do that anymore. I haven't been able to talk about this yet in meetings, but I'm trying. I'm glad to have found this site so that I can share the things that bother me, that I find hard to do with others.
So things are going good. I don't feel very good right now physicaly. I still feel like I have a cold hanging on after 3 weeks or so. I have a nagging headache that feels like pressure behind my eyes. My body is sore and I don't have a lot of energy. I am starting to get concerned about it and wondering if I should see a Dr about it. I don't have one at the present, but have an appointment for one coming up.
Mostly I'm just wandering about and keeping things very simple to stay sober. I mostly go to about 2 meetings a day, but feel I still haven't fully jumped in yet. I know it's still that fear getting the better of me. I have jumped in a couple of times, to test the waters I suppose, but I do feel it will come soon. I'm still afraid of letting people know things about me, but I'm trying. I have started talking to my sponsor. We have 2 meetings a week to go through the big book. I am seeing things that I never seemed to notice before. Like the obsession to continue using, and how it keeps going after we take that first drink.
I do feel that I really want recovery now. I don't want to go back to shelters, or jail anymore. I do want a life. I don't want the way I was living, or dying is more of how it was. I want to start being good to myself and others. I'm tired of constantly causing pain for myself, and others. I want to try and like myself again, and get back some self respect, of which I totally thought I lost. I just want to be a good person again.
So, things aren't exciting, but I do believe that I'm on the right road. thank you so much, Lord.
I'm trying not to steal anymore. that seems to be a problem for me. I've stole most of my life just trying to feel better, but it got to almost seem like a necessity just to survive while drinking and drugging. In actuality it doesn't make me feel better, because I feel extremely guilty after and have turned to drinking to not feel that, or to avoid any bad feelings.
Today I caught myself wanting to swipe a toonie that somebody had left for coffee where I go to meetings. It would have been so easy, and nobody would have known. Nobody except me. I did put it in my pocket. Then I thought of how I had money now, and didn't have any real need for it. I also thought about the guilt I would feel after, as well as the knowledge that I wouldn't be able to be honest. In A.A, it does say that we need to be "rigorously honest". How can I recover if I'm not able to be honest about anything. I can't, and that dishonesty just brings more bad feelings that will eventually take me back out.
I also remember how humiliated and embaresed I was the last time I got caught trying to steal a sandwich from a store. I got mad at the time, and had to give it back. The lady was preventing me from leaving with it, and I had only 2 choices. Try to leave, taking a chance that I might hurt someone without meaning to, and having the police get involved again and have a big nightmare develope, or just give the damned thing back and get out. I chose the latter, thank God, and I left very embaressed.
I really am tired of being that person. I want to be a good person and I can't do that and keep stealing. When I drank and drugged, I lied, cheated, stole, and whatever else I thought needed to be done so that I could continue using. I hated doing these things, but felt I had to. They always made me feel bad after. I felt guilty, hopeless to change or be me, whoever that is. I knew it was wrong, and that's not the person I wanted to be. So, I am finally trying to not do that anymore. I haven't been able to talk about this yet in meetings, but I'm trying. I'm glad to have found this site so that I can share the things that bother me, that I find hard to do with others.
So things are going good. I don't feel very good right now physicaly. I still feel like I have a cold hanging on after 3 weeks or so. I have a nagging headache that feels like pressure behind my eyes. My body is sore and I don't have a lot of energy. I am starting to get concerned about it and wondering if I should see a Dr about it. I don't have one at the present, but have an appointment for one coming up.
Mostly I'm just wandering about and keeping things very simple to stay sober. I mostly go to about 2 meetings a day, but feel I still haven't fully jumped in yet. I know it's still that fear getting the better of me. I have jumped in a couple of times, to test the waters I suppose, but I do feel it will come soon. I'm still afraid of letting people know things about me, but I'm trying. I have started talking to my sponsor. We have 2 meetings a week to go through the big book. I am seeing things that I never seemed to notice before. Like the obsession to continue using, and how it keeps going after we take that first drink.
I do feel that I really want recovery now. I don't want to go back to shelters, or jail anymore. I do want a life. I don't want the way I was living, or dying is more of how it was. I want to start being good to myself and others. I'm tired of constantly causing pain for myself, and others. I want to try and like myself again, and get back some self respect, of which I totally thought I lost. I just want to be a good person again.
So, things aren't exciting, but I do believe that I'm on the right road. thank you so much, Lord.
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