Trust
Feeling not too bad today, but got a little fuzzy head for some reason. I really think that getting up at 6am is just not my thing. I do it, and bounce out of bed, but don't feel right. In prison I used to shower in the morning and I found that better, but I can't do that where I am.
Anyway, i find I get a lot of answers to problems I'm dealing with, after I wake up and walk for awhile. Yesterday I was at a meeting and the topic seemed to be about trust.
I heard a lot of comments, so today it was going around in my head. I started to think about all the anger I feel towards others at the shelter. I think that by being to open about being in prison, and the reason why I went there caused a lot of people to be afraid or something. I don't always understand that kind of thing because to me I'm used to it. It doesn't bother me when someone says they have been in jail.
It's the same as talking to people about alcoholism, or addictions. If they are not a user then they have no idea about what I'm talking about. They only know from what they have seen on T.V. In real life they are afraid, and they don't trust you.
I used to be very open when I first came around A.A. I felt so relieved at the meetings, and I was comfortable knowing that I was an addict, alcoholic. I felt so comfortable that I would tell anyone. I soon learned that that's a bad idea that will cause problems. People talked behind my back, and they gossiped about stuff.
I ended up very angry and resentful. I felt hurt and betrayed by the people that I had trusted. I know one of my character defects is wanting people to like me. It comes from when I was younger in my family. When people don't like me, or talk, what I consider negatively, which isn't always right, I get mad. I feel a strong sense of hurt. It's a bad defect because I can really be hard on myself about it, and my head will make a mountain out of something that may only be simple.
Anyway, I think there are some people at the shelter that think this way, and that's what bugs me. Sometimes I want to just blow up at them because I can't stand when people talk behind someone's back. I may be right about what I'm thinking about them, but I can't act on it, and I know that. There seems to be this one group of guys, about 5 of them, that talk about others at the shelter as if they own the shelter. I feel what they are doing is trying to manipulate the staff to only have the people they want there.
Yesterday one guy was talking about this Spanish guy. He was saying that he's going to be kicked out this week. I'm mad about it. The Spanish guy drinks stuff during the day and comes there usually drunk. He talks foolish, but when the staff tell him to go to bed he does. I don't find him that bad.
There are others there that drink too. It's a shelter. There are drug addicts too there. So what. If they are violent, or cause damage and stuff I can see them getting kicked out, but this guy doesn't. These guys are always yapping about him. They would never do it to his face, or anyone else's, on the street. They seem to only say things when they have the security of the shelter, and others going along with them.
To me, they are cowards, and I can't stand them. I hate back stabbers, and gossips. They are the worst kind of people. Trouble is there are many like this in the world. I find it gets worse as the economy is getting harder. people are developing nasty habits of back bitting, especially in the work places.
I don't mean to sound pregudicial, but I find women can be the worst in work places. They smile all nice around you, and you start to trust them, them Ohhhhhhh, right between the eye's. No, I'm kind of joking. I know not all women are like that, but there is many.
So, nothing happening today. I asked if I could volunteer at this place I'm at anyway during the day. I'm here, so I might as well do something here. The guy told me that O.W., or welfare as I call it, will pay you a hundred extra dollars for doing it. They also will give the meals here for free. They charge a dollar for the meals, but I never pay anyway. i don't have the money. I feel bad, and guilty about it everyday, so doing this I think is good.
I will probably be back here later, but I have to do something else. Thank you Lord.
Anyway, i find I get a lot of answers to problems I'm dealing with, after I wake up and walk for awhile. Yesterday I was at a meeting and the topic seemed to be about trust.
I heard a lot of comments, so today it was going around in my head. I started to think about all the anger I feel towards others at the shelter. I think that by being to open about being in prison, and the reason why I went there caused a lot of people to be afraid or something. I don't always understand that kind of thing because to me I'm used to it. It doesn't bother me when someone says they have been in jail.
It's the same as talking to people about alcoholism, or addictions. If they are not a user then they have no idea about what I'm talking about. They only know from what they have seen on T.V. In real life they are afraid, and they don't trust you.
I used to be very open when I first came around A.A. I felt so relieved at the meetings, and I was comfortable knowing that I was an addict, alcoholic. I felt so comfortable that I would tell anyone. I soon learned that that's a bad idea that will cause problems. People talked behind my back, and they gossiped about stuff.
I ended up very angry and resentful. I felt hurt and betrayed by the people that I had trusted. I know one of my character defects is wanting people to like me. It comes from when I was younger in my family. When people don't like me, or talk, what I consider negatively, which isn't always right, I get mad. I feel a strong sense of hurt. It's a bad defect because I can really be hard on myself about it, and my head will make a mountain out of something that may only be simple.
Anyway, I think there are some people at the shelter that think this way, and that's what bugs me. Sometimes I want to just blow up at them because I can't stand when people talk behind someone's back. I may be right about what I'm thinking about them, but I can't act on it, and I know that. There seems to be this one group of guys, about 5 of them, that talk about others at the shelter as if they own the shelter. I feel what they are doing is trying to manipulate the staff to only have the people they want there.
Yesterday one guy was talking about this Spanish guy. He was saying that he's going to be kicked out this week. I'm mad about it. The Spanish guy drinks stuff during the day and comes there usually drunk. He talks foolish, but when the staff tell him to go to bed he does. I don't find him that bad.
There are others there that drink too. It's a shelter. There are drug addicts too there. So what. If they are violent, or cause damage and stuff I can see them getting kicked out, but this guy doesn't. These guys are always yapping about him. They would never do it to his face, or anyone else's, on the street. They seem to only say things when they have the security of the shelter, and others going along with them.
To me, they are cowards, and I can't stand them. I hate back stabbers, and gossips. They are the worst kind of people. Trouble is there are many like this in the world. I find it gets worse as the economy is getting harder. people are developing nasty habits of back bitting, especially in the work places.
I don't mean to sound pregudicial, but I find women can be the worst in work places. They smile all nice around you, and you start to trust them, them Ohhhhhhh, right between the eye's. No, I'm kind of joking. I know not all women are like that, but there is many.
So, nothing happening today. I asked if I could volunteer at this place I'm at anyway during the day. I'm here, so I might as well do something here. The guy told me that O.W., or welfare as I call it, will pay you a hundred extra dollars for doing it. They also will give the meals here for free. They charge a dollar for the meals, but I never pay anyway. i don't have the money. I feel bad, and guilty about it everyday, so doing this I think is good.
I will probably be back here later, but I have to do something else. Thank you Lord.
Replies
yes women are the worst...