Bah
Feeling a bit crappy today. I wake up with these small headaches that are a pain in the ass, makes me pretty tired.
I did talk to the other staff member last night about the stuff that I was thinking. It felt better to get it out. I was calm about it, and getting it out was all I wanted to do anyway. He thinks I was just letting too much get to me, and that I was focusing on outside issues too much. I agree with that. Turns out that the staff member didn't even write a report about it.
I'm still not all that sure about everything, but I will leave it alone now. I'm not there to make friends anyway, and I need to stay sober. after all, anger and resentments are the biggest enemy of addicts. I can't afford it, and besides I already have enough.
I went for a long walk around Toronto yesterday so that I wouldn't have to go early to the shelter. I ended up around the area that I grew up in. It was pretty nice for the most part. Not a lot has changed, but I felt haunted by the memories of the people I knew that are no longer around.
At the government buildings where I used to work I went through memories of my wife there. She worked there too when I met her. I thought how she would love to see the pretty flowers coming up now that it's spring. I feel so sad that she's gone. She was such a good person.
I fed the squirrels, and the birds too, and dedicated it to my wife. The squirrels were funny. First I gave them bread, and they through it away in front of me. I had some cookies also so I gave those to them and they were really happy about that. They love sweet stuff. the birds ate the bread though.
I went to the Budhist meditation class. It was my first time there, but I was familiar with what we did. It was kind of neat, but everyone seemed so quiet. No one interacted. Perhaps most were new, or nervous too.
I went to a meeting too. It was so, so. Good to be there, but not exciting. On my way there, I was going to walk, but decided to sneak into the subway. what a stupid mistake. The transit cops were there and caught me. He asked for my I.D, but I said I didn't have it with me. I started to give a phoney name, but then he asked if I had any money on me. He was a young guy. I found a token and he let me put that in, and let me off. I felt embaressed about it with people standing around. Oh well, at least it turned out good.
I haven't heard back from that lady about the painting job. My mind has already started all negative about it. I was really excited about it.
After I got thinking about it I remembered that I'm on methadone, and even if I got it I would have to make plans to transfere pharmacies, and Dr's. Stupid shit! I wish I never got on it in the first place. Sometimes it seems that if there's a wrong way, I'm sure to find it in life.
I'm not throwing the towel in yet, because I still have hopes about the job. But today does seem to be depressing just sitting around this place all the time. Thank you, Lord.
I did talk to the other staff member last night about the stuff that I was thinking. It felt better to get it out. I was calm about it, and getting it out was all I wanted to do anyway. He thinks I was just letting too much get to me, and that I was focusing on outside issues too much. I agree with that. Turns out that the staff member didn't even write a report about it.
I'm still not all that sure about everything, but I will leave it alone now. I'm not there to make friends anyway, and I need to stay sober. after all, anger and resentments are the biggest enemy of addicts. I can't afford it, and besides I already have enough.
I went for a long walk around Toronto yesterday so that I wouldn't have to go early to the shelter. I ended up around the area that I grew up in. It was pretty nice for the most part. Not a lot has changed, but I felt haunted by the memories of the people I knew that are no longer around.
At the government buildings where I used to work I went through memories of my wife there. She worked there too when I met her. I thought how she would love to see the pretty flowers coming up now that it's spring. I feel so sad that she's gone. She was such a good person.
I fed the squirrels, and the birds too, and dedicated it to my wife. The squirrels were funny. First I gave them bread, and they through it away in front of me. I had some cookies also so I gave those to them and they were really happy about that. They love sweet stuff. the birds ate the bread though.
I went to the Budhist meditation class. It was my first time there, but I was familiar with what we did. It was kind of neat, but everyone seemed so quiet. No one interacted. Perhaps most were new, or nervous too.
I went to a meeting too. It was so, so. Good to be there, but not exciting. On my way there, I was going to walk, but decided to sneak into the subway. what a stupid mistake. The transit cops were there and caught me. He asked for my I.D, but I said I didn't have it with me. I started to give a phoney name, but then he asked if I had any money on me. He was a young guy. I found a token and he let me put that in, and let me off. I felt embaressed about it with people standing around. Oh well, at least it turned out good.
I haven't heard back from that lady about the painting job. My mind has already started all negative about it. I was really excited about it.
After I got thinking about it I remembered that I'm on methadone, and even if I got it I would have to make plans to transfere pharmacies, and Dr's. Stupid shit! I wish I never got on it in the first place. Sometimes it seems that if there's a wrong way, I'm sure to find it in life.
I'm not throwing the towel in yet, because I still have hopes about the job. But today does seem to be depressing just sitting around this place all the time. Thank you, Lord.
Replies
It\'s rough being alone and the only way I could overcome that was to keep myself busy. I do things around the house and I spend time on the internet trying to sell stuff I no longer need. I was never on methadone but I was on suboxone. I was only on it for 6 months and weaned myself off from it because I could no longer afford it. Drugs are high over here and alot of people go to canada to get them cheaper. The 12 steps saved my life....do you have a sponser yet? Do you have any phone numbers of people you can call from the aa meetings you go to? They will help you out alot.
God Bless
Hey, Bobby. Yea, your right. I do keep myself busy and things are slowly starting to get in place. I go to meetings everyday, and walk miles and miles all over the place. I don\'t mind though. I like seeing Toronto, and all my old places. I mostly go to this place called The Good Neighbours Club. They have the computers I use, and I have lunch here. They really get good, wholsome food too. I\'m a vegetarian, and they have great fruits, salads, yoghurt, soya milk, and I don\'t pay anything, because I don\'t have it. They don\'t mind, but they prefere to try and get at least a buck for it. It\'s really great. yea, the methadone is differant. I\'m only on 20mg. I was stupid getting on it when I was in prison. I thought it would help me do time better, but it just took all my energy away. I couldn\'t work out. i just wanted to sleep all the time. That was when I was on 120mg. Nah, I don\'t need it. I can see if someone is really messed up needing it, but I don\'t. I don\'t like going to the clinic to get it every morning either. Should see this place. The guys that go there are crazy. their all me, me, me, and now, now, now. Craziest place I\'ve ever seen. I don\'t find that they help you either. Just see the Dr, get your Rx, and get your drinks. And you can\'t go anywhere because you need your drink everyday.
No, I haven\'t got a sponsor or done anything except go to meetings so far. I\'m keeping my eyes open though. I know I need to do that, and the steps. I got one phone number so far, but haven\'t called him yet. I will though. I guess right now I\'m just enjoying the calm. It\'s so nice compared to what I was going through.
So glad I wasn\'t in the states. Having to go all the way to Canada would have killed me, but you know, I would have done it. that stuff just gets you right by the willies, and you do whatever it makes you do. So awfull.
So, hey, you take care, and thanks for the message. It\'s good knowing that someone out there cares. You have a great day. All the best. James
Why is the methadone so bad??? Have u thought of suboxone? ?
I was going to go on the suboxone, but it\'s hard to get on because it\'s expensive and the government doesn\'t want to pay for it. You need a special reason to get it. I\'m still thinking of it though.
The methadone is bad because it\'s like liquid handcuffs. You can\'t just go anywhere, and trying to work around it is hard because you need to see the Dr once a week, and sometimes the clinic is only open at certain times that don\'t fit your schedule. It\'s still being addicted to something. Love ya. XOXO