Alright, been up awhile now just thinking about everything. Today is the day that all this shit with the pain killers stops. I've been looking on line about others quiting. How they did it, what they went through, what works best...etc. found out a lot of things too. i've been hiding a lot of things because I felt embaressed, and ashamed, and I find out that it's all part of the withdrawel affects. see, everytime I try to quit I go through the usual stuff thats associated with it. Headaches, vomiting, sweats, depression and body pain, but I'm discovering the part that keeps getting me fucked up, and back to using. I thought perhaps I was just nuts from abusing the medications, but now I'm learning that others go through the same. Usually about the second day I get very restless, and my mind starts panicking, and then I start doing crazy things that could very well cause me to go to jail. I start thinking of how to get the medication. I think of everything I don't want to do, but it gets so incrdebly intense, and I get scared and end up giving in to another pill just so I don't do anything stupid. I think of robbing places, or people, just going into a pharmacy and stealing the pills, smashing cars. God, the list is awfull of the things that go through my mind. I came across another site today and read of others going through the exact same thing. God, I thought I really must have become a horible person. Just the other day I was thinking that perhaps it might even be better to go to jail for awhile, because it seemed I would end up there anyway. It is a good way to detox, but I really don't want to go if I can help it. Anyway, I also learned that there are things you can get to help with the withdrawels. Some stuff is from the health store, and others are from the Dr. I wrote a list of about seven differant things to get, so today I'm going to see my Dr and give it a go. I also learned that it's much better to detox in a facility, and that makes sense, because I know being alone while trying just about drives me nuts. My mind just goes on and on about how stupid I've been for getting into this in the first place. But, I have my cats. I'm sure they would be alright for a week, or I could have someone check on them, but I will keep this as a last resort if things get bad. I know from past experiance with withdrawels that the mind can play games, so I will be watching for that. I'm going to see about going to some meetings too. I'm thinking N.A. I like A.A, but this problem is a drug and I need to be able to be open about that. Besides, I do feel ashamed going back in those meetings. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Perhaps later. I feel pretty strong and determined right now. I know it may be pretty hard for the next couple of weeks, but I do want my life back. Yesterday I sat around all day thinking of how I could get a pill or money. I thought of ways that i could check out without much pain. Felt so guilty about what everything would do to my cats lives. They don't deserve to go through trama because of my foolishness. I finally got enough money for a pill about 5-pm, and then after doing it, start worrying about how to get the next one. I talked to a friend later on the phone, and told her what was going on. I felt much better later. It is hard doing things on your own. Hiding all this shit was really killing me. I was afraid that people here wouldn't like me, or think bad about me. How crazy is that? Never met them, and probably never will, but afraid of what they think of me. I think I'm at a good point to start this. I haven't been taking much at all the last week or so, and I've had days in between that I went without, so the level of drug in my system should be very low. I hope. I just want my life back. The days when it felt good, just being me. Being able to eat. Not having to think about a pill, and having one to start the day. Not experiancing that desperateness that comes when you can't get any. Anyway, going to lay down and cuddle with Jet. She loves being under the blankets with me. I love it too, and it's freaking cold in here. Geeze! Thank you, Lord.