Feeling kinda run down and tired lately. A little worried about my finances too for the future. Everythinbg is alright for now. i'm payed up until the end of next month, but I need to start putting some money aside. Kinda hard with the medication problem I'm having right now. That's taking a lot of energy and effort just to maintain so I don't get sick. I see the Dr at the clinic tomorrow, so hopefully I'll get on the program and then i won't have to run around all the time trying to get a pill. it's really tireing, and it does literally make you a slave to it. very much damned if you do, and damned if you don't, but I have no one to blame but myself, so i just need to do what I need to do. I started getting a little depressed about it today. sometimes I start to wonder whats the use of trying. Seems like all my life I have struggled with addictions. i have had some periods of clean time, but it seems so little. I know better than to give up trying. That would really be the end. I can't even imagine just giving up. It would be hell for sure. No love, living on the streets, having nothing. That isn't going to happen as long as I have a breath in me. I can't live without love in my life, period. Right now I have a few freinds that love me, and I have my cats. May not seem like much to some people, but it means the world to me. Often that's what keeps me going. I have a job interview Thursday at a car cleaning place. It's doing car detailing. It might be alright. I'm a little aprehensive about commiting to a job because of my experiance at the last two. Loseing those jobs just taught me that as long as I have an active addiction going on, I'll mostly lose whatever job I do get. i don't want to go through that again, but hopefully, depending on what happens tomorrow at the clinc, I will be able to do something with that where I won't have to worry about fucking up another job. I really have always been a good worker, and I've always been able to hang onto jobs and do them well, but addictions do progress, and I see a lot of that now. It's not any fun anymore. Don't know why I have such a hard time with them. In think that it has a lot to do with the way I feel being clean. I seem to fall into a lot of regrets about the past. There is a lot of pain there, but there isn't much I can do about anything. At timnes I can put the past behind and live in the moment, but relapses agravate that. Seems to just put you at a point that you have to start all over from the begining and train yourself to think that way, and it takes time. It's like I always start to get well, fuck up, and then spend a few months working to get back to where I was, and then fuck it up again somehow. Really gets frustrating. I often feel that not having a family, and being alone makes it so much harder. I envy people that have families and people to be with. I do think in recovery, those people do have a much better chance at recovery. I'm not feeling sorry for myself, or using that as self pity, it's just the way I see it. At meetings, the people that usually are doing well, and get long term sobriety mostly have families. Anyway, I'm just hoping that tomorrow goes well, and I can finally start this thing. it's been hard as hell just getting to this point. Thank you Lord for helping me.