Had a good day at work today. We finished early and that was nice. Such a beautifull day out. The guy that I work with is mostly alright, except when it comes to driving. Really has an imature problem that comes out then. It's like in his mind he is competing with everyone. If he thinks someone might get ahead of him, he'll speed up to cut off any chance they might have. Today he did that to one guy, and the guy was starting to try and cut into our lane and he sped up and cut him off. Then he beeps the horn as if the other guy has a problem. The other guy was pissed and gave him the finger. then for the next five miles he's watching everything the guys doing, as if he has to keep ahead or something. Very strange. I kinda find it a little dangerous, and very imature. The roads aren't a contest or anything, but this guy will narateeverything as if he's reading everything the guy wants to do before they do it. Very, very strange. I can see myself at some point saying something, but not right yet. It's nothing out of controle, just very childish, and unnecessary. To work with, the guy seems alright. Seems to know what he's doing, and doesn't bother me with my work. I really like that. Tell me if there is a problem, but don't try to be my teacher. It's not that I feel I know more than others, or that I can't learn from them, I just like to be respected too. I always give respect to people I work with(unless they piss me off) and I appreciate the same back. I don't mind learning differant ways that might help me to get better, but I hate when people just have to tell you things, just for the sake of telling you. That drives me nuts. It's like they've already crowned themselves king, and nobody else knows shit. Kinda like Bob. I find that kind of behaviour reminds me of some type of abuse where they have to try and make you lower than themselves. I know very well about what abuse is, and how it affects others. I was abused verbally mostly by my parents at times. Mostly my father who was also physically abusive. As a young kid growing up, I looked up to my father and wanted so much to be loved by him, and I became like him. I didn't know what abuse was, or meant back then, and I certainly had no idea that I was. I grew up thinking it was normal calling people names when you got mad, or putting them down, and yea, at times I became physically abusive too. It was years later that I started hearing the word abuse, and that was in my first treatment center. At first I denied it because I never felt that I was intentionally hurting anyone. All I felt I was doing was trying to point out the mistakes and wrongs of others. I never understood how it hurt them, because it was normal to me. I had gone through it, and felt I was alright, so others should be too. I never seemed as if I was capable of other peoples feelings. Didn't understand why they didn't see things my way, or the way I did. I went through some of the ultimate  consequences of abuse. My wife, and her family did too, because of the way I was. My children did too. Lots of people I passed in life experianced abuse from me. The damage can never be undone, and it is something I live with everyday. That's not to say I am a victim or anything. I lost my wife, and my children because of alcoholism, and abuse. I hate it now. Whenever I see others doing it, I get upset. I don't always show it, because I'm not an expert about it, and I feel others perhaps just have to go their path and learn to. If it's a child, or animal tho that I see being abused, that's a differant story. I think because of what I learned through recovery, counseling, differant churches and people I've met through life, I have turned completly the other way. Even when I'm painting, sometimes spiders get in the way, but I don't want to kill them. I try moving them somewhere where they are safe. The only time I will kill a bug at home is if I feel it will get on me, or cause some sort of trouble. Well, then it's gotta go. I can 100% say that my cats have never experianced any form of abuse from me. Jet, I don't know what her life was before I met her, but I think she experianced some abuse because it's taken her a pretty long time to be as loving, and happy as she seems today. I love when I see her happy and having fun. It's so beautifull. Jimmy, I've had since she was a small baby, and I only hit her once that I know of because for some reason she started really attacking me one time, and biting my hand. I smacked her more because I got scared that she might have been going nuts or something. It was a strange time for just a couple of minutes, but never had a problem since. I don't even think I have ever heard Jimmy, or Jet growl. Perhaps when they played together, but that wasn't real anger. Just playing. Anyway, sometimes I contemplate on getting involved with people that have, or are experiancing abuse. I think I could help a lot there. I've seen many people in recovery over the years that have experianced or inflicted abuse over the years. What it mostly comes from is an inabilty to deal, or handle emotions properly. I don't think people set out to be abusive. For myself, I think it was because I felt insecure or something. I know it had to do with having control. This person I know now is having problems because of it. Well, that and drugs. I hate how the guy acts, but I know that it's his addiction that I really hate. I feel angry at times with him because I see him trying the same games on me as I used to play on others. Addicts, and drunks really piss me off a lot. I feel like I'm a strange addict. I hate seeing people doing it, but I also know that most times I've done the same, or worse. When people start acting foolish, and they've been drinking or using, I can't stand them most times. Over the years I've thrown lots of people out of the places I lived. I can never really understand people like my wife, and other wives of addicts that put up with shit for years. That really baffles me. From what I remember about my own marriage, and other people's stories that I come across, I think that it's not always just the abuserv that's sick. Usually our partners have had some type of problems in the first place. Abuse is really such a sad, sad thing for anyone involved to go through. It does cause so much pain spiritually, and emotionally. There's not a day goes by that I don't think about how I used to be, how abuse destroyed my family. In some ways I'm angry because even when I did try getting help, I don't think that it was treated properly. For myself their was descrimination because of my criminal record, my admision to having drug problems, and yes, I remember just the fact that I was a guy complicated things. I think I have over the years dealt with as much as I could, and with what was available. Oh well, it's just a never ending thing that I think I just have to live with. There are no answers, or changing the past. Only a bunch of people that's lives have been changed forever. Might seem like a cop out, but I have to give this to God. Nothing more I can do. My wife has passed, I have no part of my children anymore. All I can do is try to go on, live as a good person, accept the consequences, and help when I can with others that have gone through it, or are going through it. Anyway, that's enough of that. I started fixing my wall the other day so I have some mudding I want to do before bed. Thank you Lord for all you do. Thank you for the experiances you've taught me from, and giving me the courage to get through some how. Thank you for the good job too. That is really a blessing. Thank you.