Whew! Just heard a message on my phone from Family support in Newmarket, and they won't be seeking support while I'm on assistance. Yesterday I got a letter saying that my brother in law was applying for assistance, and part of the requirement is that he seek all avenues of suppot for the children. Getting that letter really got on my mind. It effected my sleep last night, but I looked at it as an oportunity to learn more on how to stay sober. After all it is something that I would drink over before, but I want to learn how I get through it. It brought about all the fears that I lived with so many years. Unfounded fears really, but never the less, they are fears. I've heard so many horror stories from other fathers in the past, and it scared me to think of living with the anger I saw in them. Long ago when I first seperated from my wife we agreed that we would never withhold the kids from each other. When we first seperated, I took it upon myself to send my wife three hundred dollars a month for the kids. I was never ordered by a court. I just assumed it was the proper thing to do. As time went on, I realized that my wife was witholding the kids from me. They severed all possible ways of contact. I went through major anger, depression, thoughts of suicide, homicide, and everything else. I was extremly frustrated and angry that my kids seemed to be being taken out of my life, and I couldn't do anythingI had a criminal record at the time, and had openly admited to drug use, and alcoholism. Still I beleived the system would be fair, but I found out it wasn't. I found I had no rights at all, unless of course I could pay for them. I did obtain a lawyer through Legal Aid, who really did nothing at all, except send some standard letters to my wife asking for visitation for me, to which she just didn't respond. He got payed good for sending the letters, and all I got was more depressed and frustrated. At the time I was trying to get sober through A.A, but this situation caused havock in my mind. At night I would try to sleep, but was constantly tormented about loseing my children. It was like everyone was against me. My wife, my mother i9n law, my father in law, my probation officer was even helping my wife by giving her advice. I would go through fits of extrem anger that really concerned me because at night I started thinking that the only answer was to kill myself, perhaps my wife, mayby the kids, and my inlaws. I cried all the time. I couldn't beleive that my wife was capable of denying me the right to see my kids. Anyway, it wasn't a good time. I read about husbands that killed their wife or children, and I didn't want to become that, but there seemed no way out of the pain. I couldn't get sober like this. I finally got to the point that I realized that I just needed to pretend that my wife and children no longer existed. It was so hard, but I had to. Literally, everytime I would start to think of them I had to yell at my thoughts to get away. It was so hard, and took so long. Perhaps three or more years, and still I would cry a lot because I was so sorry, and wanted my wife and kids back. During this time the only thing I had to try and hang onto was A.A, and even then a lot of people turned their backs because I couldn't stay sober. I got into a relationship in Milton that did help a lot. The love that I got, and was able to give seemed to make things a lot better, but I still felt guilty because I was still married to my wife, and in the back of my mind still wanted to be with her again and the kids. I stayed sober for a long time, but eventually used again. I would use sporadically. Everything would go alright for a while, but all the feelings were still inside brewing, and at some point I would go out again. It was like letting steam out of a pressure cooker. I'de feel better for awhile, but then feel the need to let go. Eventually this ended that relationship, and I was more devestated. The pain was so bad that all I could do was drink, or get high. I went to a treatment center for a year, and cried myself to sleep every night. I never learned to deal with the feelings, and when I got out I used still. I always kept going back to A.A. I never gave up thinking that I could recover some day, but that kept on. I had short periods of being clean, but no sobriety. I was in and out of jail for stupid drunken things that I would do. In the hospital for a few overdoses, but still had some hope, but even that disapeared after I got to Kitchener. I was in a hostile for men. All kinds of sick people there, drugs and all kinds of things happen there. Had a hard time in Kitchener. Didn't know anyone here, had no family either. Jobs were barely existant, but I got one. Worked at that for a year and a half, untill I got fired. I was shooting pain killers by the end. They kinda knew, but couldn't prove it so they set me up to make me angry enough that I would do something stupid. It worked. I told the manager to go fuck herself one day, and the next thing I know security is grabbing my arm and I'm almost going to fight them. That was that. I had to work for my landlord cleaning scuzzy rooming houses he owned. Cleaning mose shit, cat shit, human shit, rooms from drug addicts that had gone to jail and full of disgusting things that made me think of where my life was going, and that was nowhere. I worked hard painting the places, and kept trying to get clean, but couldn't. So that's when I decide to phone Halton House. I was so exhausted and worn out anyway that I thought the three months there would really be a good rest. I really didn't have any hope. I felt like an old man, and life was finished for me. I had no connect6ion with God, and no love. But I did make it after all. I had a rough start when I got out, but pulled it together again. I realized that I want this life. I want to be the good person I always wanted to be, but couldn't because of drinking and drugs. I am that good person now, and I'm clean, and I feel that finally I've let it all go. There's more work to do, but I know I'm hanging onto my recovery. Through all this I don't feel much feelings for my children. Of course I care for them, and want good for them, but it's something that I had to give up on. I don't know them anymore. It's been over 11 years since I seen them. They wanted me to not have any part of their lives. They wanted me totally out, and I did except that after a long time. But now when I'm finally starting to get a life together, from nothing. They want to talk to me about support. Responsibility they call it. What it is is my brother in law wants to collect mothers allowance for my kids now. Thats $1,800 a month. The same guy that smoked crack, did coke, got me into coke and heroin. They wanted to talk about me possibly sending money, of which goes to the government and not my kids, because they provide the social assistance. The money only compensates the government for the money they give. Perhaps if I was making thirty thousand a year I would gladly give money, but not when I'm below the poverty line. I heard people like myself refered to as deadbeat fathers. Try living throught all this, and then talk to me about deadbeat fathers. I had a real hard time sleeping last night. For the first time in many years I honestly want to stay sober, and I am doing whatever it takes. I got up this morning and decided to deal with those fears. I called the family responsibility center in Newmarket and left a message telling them of my situation. I went and talked to Dillon after about it too. He has experiance with these things. He just told me to do what I did, and then just push it out the door and go on The kids are no longer mine. Biologically yes, but not in our systems eyes. They didn't want them to be their father. My inlaws took it upon themselves to keep them. Whatever was back then, is no longer. I do care about my kids, and perhaps sometime in life I will see them, but that's not now. I've got a diferant life now. Things have changed. I have. I don't want to get involved in that old pain. They took the responsibility of raising my kids without me, so deal with it. I've had too. So anyone that likes to call people, "Deadbeat Fathers," Try walking a little in the shoes and see what it's really like, and all about. I know I can lift my head up today, and I'm proud that I survived. It's been enough. Thank you Lord.   Whew! I really don't like getting into all that shit again, but I just felt a need to get it off my chest. I guess it gets me a little angry because for the past eleven years they wanted no part of me, but now the department of health and comunity services try to use the word responsibilty to justify their actions. Where was the responsibilty when all this started in the first place? I know that I did try in the first place to be responsible, but that doesn't count. Anyway, I've dealt with it today the best I could, and now it's time to shut the door on that past again. It kept me drunk, and high way too long and I'm going foreward, and without fear. I feel good now. I did face my fear today, and got past it. It really wasn't the big monster that I felt it was yesterday. Now that's recovery. Actually I did a few things today, and had a good day after all. I got another phone now, and it's cordless. Thats really cool. I can tallk in bed if I want now. I also went to the noon meeting. One of the old guys there mentioned how good I look now with my hair cut. That feels really nice. I like that stuff. I'll always remember this one mug shot thats in the files at probation. You would never guess it was me. So awfull. I still eat really healthy. Things like egg plant, brown rice, fish, turkey, dark green leaf vegetables, chicken and beans. I stay away from fast food, and processed stuff. Recovery involves taking care of our health too. I take ginsing, multy vitamines and minerals, calcium, drink juice, milk and water. All these were so forein when I was really into my stuff. Couldn't afford anything but booze or drugs. Couldn't even afford them, but somehow you do. So glad that it's over, and I beleive it finally really is. Thank you, Lord.