Been a little emotional the past couple of days, but I have been trying to deal with them properly. My boss told me that today was supposed to be my last day for awhile, until more work comes up. Boy, that got my mind playing. i started thinking I must have done something wrong, or perhaps it wasn't a good idea to be open with him about being in program and my addictions, or perhaps he just wanted to use me to fill in untill the other guys could do the work. It all comes down to fear, and my insecurities about the future. Also lets me know that I need to work on my faith that things will be alright. After 49 years I'm still here, and alright, by the grace of God. I felt so disapointed yesterday that my mind started thinking, " Ah fuck. Why not drink," but I know thats the addict in me talking. There's everything to not drink for. I know drinking or using will definetly bring misery very fast. I don't want that, but all day yesterday I couldn't shake the disapointment I felt. I kept telling myself to just put those thoughts away, and stick to the facts. The facts are that there may be slow times, and I need to not be afraid and trust that God will provide for me, as long as I keep doing what he wants me to, or at least try. And above all, that means staying clean. Not medicating because of the way I feel, and thats all it is. I don't like how I feel because those feelings scare me, so I want to get rid of them. well, the only way to not be afraid is to face those fears. Then you learn that they really weren't as bad as you thought. Our fears only exist in our own minds, and originate in our own thoughts. But people say," I can't help how I think, or controle my thoughts. Bet your ass we can. I proved that yesterday. My mind is just an outer portion that I use, but it's not who I am. it's not the spirit of who I really am. This body, mind and everything I use is only the portion that contains my spirit. That funny thing that's inside, thats truly who I am. what a real gift it is to finally be getting to know that. I'm finally truly likeing me, because I've been given a good spirit, as I beleive we all have. If we are only willing to find out who we really are. Thank you Lord. Thank you.