wow! Tonight I feel so good, and at peace with everything. God is really revealing a lot to me in the past few days. Not even sure at times on how to put it in words, but there is a real differance in me, and the things I see during my daily life. I went to a C.A meeting tonight. Wasn't really thrilled about it, but i know I need my recovery, so I went. It was the same one that two people quit being members during a bussiness meeting at the begining of the week. The same two people that I started going to their Big Book study group at their house. Anyway, I got to the meeting and there was only three other people there. I remember there used to be so many others there. I thought," Oh well." At least it was a meeting, but I thought it was going to be just humdrum. Anyway this other really rough looking guy came in. Looked like he was just off the street, but I found later that he is staying at the treatment center in Waterloo. He was making some strange sounds, and I just ignored it. I thought I had stopped judging, but I did think he was just some wacked out guy. As the meeting progressed we got to the break time. The guy went out to have a smoke. I went to. I noticed that he had a really bad cough, and did it after every puff. I almost said something because it seemed very bad, but I decided not to. Later the meeting went on, and the first topic someone picked, I think for fun, was blackouts. I thought,"What the hell.?" Who the hell cares about talking about blackouts? I found myself almost wanting to say how stupid that was, but I thought I'de go along. We got some other topics too that were better, so I just figured I would make "Blackout" as short as possible. Anyway, during the meeting, it got to this guy's turn to speak. I found that he really got my attention. Apparently his cough is because of the years of abusing drugs, and he needs an operation to remove a lung. As he talked I could see that he was so real. He was someone full of hurt and pain because of the life he had lived. He talked about Christmas going to be hard for him, because of things about his own kids. There was another girl there that seemed to be friends with him, and he talked about how being able to play with her kids made him happy. I felt bad that I had judged him so wrong. All he really was was another addict, that I think may be dying of cancer, but he was truly sorry for the life he had lived. He talked of having to stat at the treatment place for the Christmas holidays, and that he wanted to decorate the place. I know how that can be, because most other people with family's will be out. That can really make you think that your really nothing because you have no one to visit, or see you. Can be really lonely. When I was at Halton House, I had no one on the outside either. All the others would go for visits with their family's or loved ones, and I would think that I really didn't have much. All I had was my cats at home. I love them very much, but it didn't seem the same. So I could imagine how this guy felt. Even tho it was cold when I left, I walked slowly because I couldn't help feeling for this guy. Here he was completly broken, with nothing, and no one. Perhaps dying of cancer, but he was trying to recover. I really felt a lot of compassion, and respect for him. He was so real. If I had a magic wand, I would want him to be well. I thought of him all the way home. I thought perhaps I should go to that treatment place to help the guys that will be left behind there. I just may look into that. I felt so gratefull for all that I do have. Lots of times I don't think it's much, and I look at all the things I lost over the years, and I'm not always happy with myself, or where I am, but I do feel gratefull right now. After all I've done and been through, somehow I've managed to be here with my apartment still. It's not a palace, but I have tried to make it a nice home, and it is nice now. I have two beutifull cats that love me, and that I learn to love from watching, and careing for them. I have good food. I have my health, and I'm in recovery. I have new friends in recovery, and friends here on D.S. As soon as I got in, I got on my knees and thanked God, and asked him to show me his ways. I don't want my old ways anymore, or even just my way. Thank you, Lord.