Boy, it's only two in the afternoon, but I feel I've been pretty busy already. Went to probation, then the noon meeting, and then to Oasis for some lunch. It snowed a lot last night too, but I kind of like it. Doesn't really feel that cold to me, but everybody says it is. I used to hate the snow because it made the trip to the beer store much more harder, but I don't mind it right now. It's kind of refreshing. At the noon meeting I seen Tim there. He's the guy that used to live here. I was wondering what happened to him. it was good seeing him. He was in treatment for about seven months, but relapsed a few weeks ago. Did the same thing we all seem to do. Put something else before his recovery, or thought he was differant. I'm so convinced about my addiction as a disease now, and I know I can't think my way out of it. Doesn't matter how smart you are or anything. I used to hear in Halton House that, "you can't think your way into good living, you have to live your way into good thinking." And I can only do that through recovery. I need people to show me the way. Kinda bugs me at times because I like to be able to do anything, but from my experiance, I know where my best thinking gets me. So I can accept it. It's really not a nasty thing to let others help you. It just feels like it at times. Don't like being told what I can or cannot do, but it's alright if that's what it takes to keep me from going back to that hell and killing myself. Even last night I was surprised that I wanted a beer for a few seconds. after all I've been through, and already it still tries to get me. I decided to go with Bob instead of a meeting. The only meeting that was around was C.A., and after last time I figured I'de be alright for one night. Besides I knew I would be with Bob and I knew I wouldn't drink around him. We went to change a water heater at this place that these young guys rent. They play in a band,. and I guess live the lifestyle. There were empty beer bottles all over the place. The garage, you couldn't even walk through without stumbling on them. There were some beers in a case in the kitchen, and some guys in their rooms drinking, but seemingly alright about it. Their wasn't any drunkeness. At first I was alright with it. I was draining the water tank and dumping the water in the kitchen. It was an easy job. Most of the time was spent draining the water because it's a very slow process. After about an hour Bob went out to the van to get stuff. I was by myself and just looking around. All of a sudden I catch my mind telling me to, " just grab one beer, nobody would know. One won't kill you." I just stood there looking at the case and wondered, what the hell,? I thought about all the shit I just went through, and all the treatment, and here I am with my mind telling me, " It's alright to just have one beer." It always starts with one beer, but who knows what will happen after that. I didn't have one, because I know thats my disease talking to me. Trying to lie like all the other times so it can fuck me up. It's really a son of a whore. Addiction is nasty. It's like an agravating little pest that lives in me, that waits for any oportunity to grab me. It reminds me of when I was quiting smoking in the House. I'de be doing really well, and the thoughts of smoking would seem to have gone away, but then out of the blue I would do something, or get a thought, and them, "Wham! It would try to get me again. But I remember with that that as time went on, those times got less. I have started smoking again since getting out, and I'll try to quit again, but I'm focusing on staying clean right now, and that can sometimes take all I have. I'm dead if I don't. Thank you, God.