Feeling a little scattered and frazeled today. Been really working like a nut, sweating my ass off trying to do the things Paul and Bob want, but it seems they want always too much. I know all I can do is my best, but it does bother me hearing them always saying it's not fast enough. i was going to just have today off, but I don't feel I can relaxe or anything. Been going constantly all month now and it's hard to just stop and sit back. I don't have T.V. here, so what the heck am I going to do, except worry or something. Getting hard keeping track of all I need to do. I missed my call in last night to Halton house, and thats the third time so my name might get moved down now. I've come to far now, and after you miss five times your name goes off the list. That would really disapoint me very much, so I feel I need to just keep going all I can. Came so close to doing drugs last night. It's a good thing that I let Paul look after my money, or I would have. The guys downstairs were outside and I could tell they were waiting for something. My first thought was I wanted some too. No thoughts about what it really does to me, or has done in the past. Reminds me of what Dillon told me before, that my first thoughts will always be the wrong thoughts. If I rethink it realistically, it just doesn't make any sense to do drugs. It doesn't do anything good for me, thats for sure. I still felt angry that i couldn't do anything. Kinda like a kid sulking about not getting their own way. Addictions really are an ugly thing. Wish I didn't have them, but I do, and just have to deal with it the best I can. I am glad now that nothing happened. Seeing Dan there waiting like a pig tho pissed me off. Partly because with him I see addiction so clearly and I hate it. I don't hate the person, but I hate the addiction when I see it. The other day he was working at this house that I was working on to, and he had no cigarettes because he spends every penny he gets on drugs or booze. He already owed me ten dollars from a few months ago, but he asked me for cigarettes all day. I gave them to him, and he told me he would pay me back after work. I told him he had better because I don't get much money, only what I need. Still pisses me off tho that he can have the nerve to do that. He gets payed a lot more because he has more skills with other things, and to me it's just plain stupid to not buy your own cigarettes. I smoke, but I don't expect others to support my habit. Hell, these guys are incredible. After they ask for a cigarette, they ask to use your lighter too because they won't even spend a dollar for one. Then it pisses me off even more, but I keep quiet about it because I know their fucked up and just don't get it. Anyway, he hasn't payed them back. I told him off last night when I seen him waiting. Told him he was being a goof by letting things do this to him, but it's like pissing in the wind. I could see in his face that it just went in one ear and out the other. His focuse is on getting high, not doing anything right, especially for anyone else. I understand that. In a way I'm kind of glad tho. Just looking at them, seeing the wanting to use look on their faces, the just nothingness. Made me realize that I don't want any part of that. There's nothing there. No careing, or any of the things about being human that my spirit needs to live. Made me realize that I need to stay away from that type of people. It's just foolish, and way to risky for me. Wouldn't take much for me to fall, especially like last night when it's the end of work and I'm tired and a little lonely after working alone all day. I can find much better people on here if I just walk a few steps further, and I did last night. I taljked till three in the morning to a very special friend, about real stuff. That can be hard tho sometimes I find. You get all these real emotions, the kind I have run from most of my life, but they are real. At least after I feel like I am a human being.