Starting to see some lite in all this mess. I was talking to Paul about everything when he picked me up for work. He said he'll go with me to welfare tomorow so I can try to hang onto things while I'm gone. He said I could just have the money sent to them and hang onto things. Made me really think about how messed up my thinking must be about everything, mayby even Bob. I'm starting to think that mayby he really was trying to help me in his way, but I didn't see it that wayMy mind just sees things differant than what people tell me after, especfially if I drink. Even Dillon told me this morning that he's known Sheldon for 11 years and even tested him to see if he was honest, but he said he never steals or does dishonest things. I had him all figured as a con, and nothing but a dirty scum bag this morning for taking my money with him. I still find it hard to beleive because I know damned well I never told him to do that. I know I asked him if he gave the money to Dillon. Dillon said that he'll talk to him and tell him the treatment center called early and want me to go now so I need the money. I said alright. Mayby Dillon knows how sensitive he is and that right now if I were to talk to him I would just blow my cool. Since talking to Paul I feel a whole lot better about everything. He knows how i am when I stay sober, and he likes me. I find that weird about most people I know. They all say I'm a good person, but boy when I drink I guess I really change more than I think. The last while I know I was getting pretty nasty with people. I thought they were fucking me around, especially Bob. I didn't even like my attitude that I was seeing. i was trying to just stuff all the stress I felt about Sheldon and his kid being here, and turning everything upsidedown. I didn't want to get mad at him and blow up, so I would drink instead. I'm not blaming Sheldon. It's just the choice I was making. Just didn't know how else to handle it. At least that's over, and now I might not have to give everything up, and Jimmy can stay in his home. That would really make me happy. anyway, going to just try and do my best about everything, and do what's right, and not whatever my head is telling me. I feel pretty good right now. I'm glad I was working today. It really helped to get my mind of things. I'm glad for Paul too, and even Bob. I think I should apologize to Bob for being so nasty with him. Even tho I don't beleive it, I think in his own way he really might have been trying to help me. That's a hard one. Trying to beleive that the wall is blue, when what you see is yellow, just because that's what their saying. Recovery can be pretty hard shit when you see things differant. Thank you, Lord for this bit of peace of mind. Amen.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Im so glad you talk to your boss and now you have someone behind you.I also hope all works out with your money oh my. I just dont understand that but ill wait to hear tell tomorrow.Hope you have a great night sleep.
Love Terri