Well, no sleep last night, and now I'm pissed off with Sheldon. He is one big fuck up. Aparently he thought I gave the money to him for a ticket to Halifax when I get out of treatment, and he took it with him. I never told him that at all. I was talking to Dillon just now and Sheldon told him he was going to put it in his account or something because he needed his account information or something. That's not what we said at all. So Dillon says not to wory about it, and that he knows Sheldon well enough that he wouldn't steal it. He says that Sheldon can send it by Western Union and I could get it within a couple of hours. Fuck is that guy ever a fuck up.Dillon says just have to wait till he gets there later today and then he will phone him. as if I don't have enough on my mind to wory about without this shit. that money was to get me through this month and into treatment. I'm working for Paul right now so I will have some money today, but hell, what a frigging jerk. Oh well, no sense worying about that now. Have to just take Dillon for his word. Still sounds very strange to me. Doing something that I never said at all, but then I know he's not got a full deck. There is no way in hell that I will ever live with him under the same roof again. He's a frigging nightmare. I don't know how I ever got through the time with him without loseing my cool on him. Felt like most of the time I was just gritting my teeth trying not to get mad. I'm not blaming him for my drinking or anything, but he really wasn't a help there. He could drive anyone to drink. Just utter chaos. Although I'm not sleeping well, it really is so much more calm and peacefull without him here. I want to rip his head off now. Oh well, I'm up already. Better just to continue doing what I need to. Going to go to St. Mary's counseling to take my Dr's papers for Halton House. Have to walk there too. Stupid bike is way over at Rona's on Ottawa street. I thought I would stop at the gas station yesterday and top up the air in the back tire. I took the caps off, but the valve was differant. I thought it was just something new for bikes or something. I couldn't figure out how to get air in, so the only thing I seen on the valve was that the tip sqrewed out. Did that and all the air came out and I couldn't fill it. I seen the wheel is some swiss make or something. I guess you need a special pump or valve thing. Damned things always comming out with something new to fuck you up. I never had a bike that I could never fill up with air at the gas station. Just like the T.V's now. Gotta be some computer wizard just to set them up or turn them on. Guess I'm getting old or something. I still don't really know how to fully work my sterio, or are they called that now? Ah, life's a bitch sometimes, and it doesn't seem to be getting better. Just got to laugh sometimes. Perhaps later. Even my poor frind in California is haveing problems. Just got there so she could see her grandson, and her car went now. I feel bad for her because I know she drove a lot to get around and travel, and now she still has payments to make. That really bites. Oh, Lord, let there be better days ahead for us all. Well, I can see today is just not starting out good. Walked all the way to St. Mary's, but the doors were locked. I waited for awhile, but then it dawned on me, Canada day, ehhh. It's a holiday today. gonna just sit here awhile and have a nice cup of coffee, and a cigarette. Things are really starting to eat at me now. I'm trying not to let it, but it's getting hard. I keep thinking of all I'm giving up here and it's getting hard. While I was out walking I was thinking about it all and wondering what the hell am I doing? When I moved here I renovated it, and it is a nice place. Jimmy loves it. I feel very bad for him because now he won't have the same space he does here. I talked to the guy downstairs about looking after him while I'm away. He said he would. So I will have a chance of keeping him later. I think what I'm really feeling is anger towards myself for getting myself into this by drinking again. I really wish I could stay sober and not get into these things, but it just doesn't seem to be. I don't even have any real hopes about treatment anymore. I've been there, and done that, but still here I am years later still struggling with the same shit. I'm really trying to stay away from that pity pot, but I'm sure eventually I'm going to cry. Mayby I need to do that. Have a real good one, and just let things out. I'm sure that will definetly happen in treatment. I know I have so much stuff inside that I have been just stuffing away for a long time. At least trying. I'm seeing that it's really not going to be an easy road this time. Never really was, but this time just seems differant. feels like the end of the road or something. Just seems right now like there's nothing left for me accept to give up completly. That's always been a hard one for me to do. I could always give up when things got too bad, but as soon as things got a bit better i felt like I was alright now. Perhaps this is God's will for me. Lot's of times we need to experiance a lot of pain before we do something. I'm a stuborn one for that, for sure. I was thinking that while I was walking. Would I ever want to go through this again, and of course the answer right now is, no! But then what happens when you start getting things together again? Often for me, I think, "I'm alright now." Then it starts again, and sooner or later, like a domino effect, it starts going down. Why the hell is that? They say alcoholism is a chronic disease that lies to us. Seems to make sense to me. I look at last week, or I should say Monday, and I thought about how it all started. It started out with a thought that I would just have a few beers, but after that it just kept going. I remeber the thoughts that were going through my head for why I needed to buy more. It was, "I just need a couple more to straighten out." Well, that sure was a lie. Wasn't straightening me out at all. Was only getting me more sick than I was. I really thought I understood alcoholism well before. Read lots about addictions, recovery and stuff. Even worked at Halton house for awhile after I graduated last time. Worked at the Sobriety Center here in Kitchener too. Used to help other people to understand it. Seems really foolish now that I'm going back into Halton House. Just goes to show that knowlege doesn't mean a damned thing with alcohol. If anything, it might have almost killed me. For so long I felt I had to hide things , and keep an image. I couldn't be honest and tell anyone that I was struggling. Honesty can be a real tough thing for anyone. I remember when I first was around recovery and thinking about it. Back then I had a sponsor that one day showed me that he had some pot that he was hanging onto for his nephew. I used to catch him bullshitting about his bussiness and things to get extra things. Mainly money. I questioned him about it, but his answer was that in bussiness it's alright to do things. That never set right with me. I seen others too that would do things that weren't honest. I would question them too just to see their answers. Of course I don't think this reflects everyone, but I found it interesting that so many people I met in recovery would sit in meetings, and literally lie. The ones I'm mostly thinking about are still sober today. almost every relapse I have ever had started with dishonesty. Just find it strange. My mind thinking again. Damned Seraquil seems to have kept it so slowed down for so long that now it's having a hayday. That will hopefully straighten out with time, I hope. Anyway, just thought i would write awhile and get my mind of the shit I had earlier. Seems to have worked for now. Mayby there's a meeting today at noon. Most likely. I probably should start getting used to going again. Lord knows I need something.