Well, some big changes are in the works. Sheldon left today for Halifax. He got a house from welfare for Stephan and him. left my place still in a mess, but what can you do? I can't stand in the way of this. In a strange way I miss him already. We were talking until about four in the morning. He's a pretty good guy with a big heart. Kept wanting to hug me and stuff. i didn't mind once, but that's enough. The other day I decided to get a few beers, and that turned into about seventy later. didn't feel good at all. I ended up buying a little drugs, but stopped that fast. Really just made me sick. Through it all I really looked at myself, and didn't like what I see. I seen that I was becoming a very miserable person. Angry, depressed, thinking that life is just useless. Even the last night, I was throwing up all night but still reaching for a beer thinking it would straighten me out, or make me feel better. The beer was making me sick, but I kept reaching for another one. i kept asking myself, " Why do I keep doing this?" Talk about insanity. But my mind kept telling me to drink. When I got up yesterday I knew it was over. I hated myself, and I hated what's been changing with me. I miss the good person that used to be me. Everything about my life, I had come to hate. There was only two choices that I had left. Drink again and die miserably slowly, or commit suicide. Well, I'm a bit of a suck when it comes to suicide. Just too scared that it might really happen and I might miss something. The other option of just continuing to drink, I think, is far more scarier than suicide. To die all alone, a slow miserable death... well that scares me a lot. I decided that I had only one more option left. Call for help, and I did. I phoned up St. Mary's counseling again and told her all whats been going on and that I wanted to still see if I could continue getting into treatment. There's no question in my mind that I need it. I've been fooling myself for a long time thinking that I can do it. I can't. I've tried every which way I could, but I can't do it. Over the last year or so, I got addicted very badly to pain killers that almost killed me. I've fallen countless times back into drinking. It's really just been a cycle. If I can just do this or that, things will get better. Well, it doesn't. I'm going to be forty nine this August, and time keeps on ticking. I think this is my last shot to try and live properly. All the things that I do while drinking, or druging goes against everything I beleive in, and know what is right. i had very good morals taught to me while growing up, but end up hateing myself, because I can't live by them while using. It just doesn't go hand in hand. The result is constant inner conflict, and that's where I am. There's no peace that way. All I ever wanted from this life is peace. Inner peace, and peace of mind. So now I have the ball rolling again for treatment. Should be about the end of August, or shortly after. It's scary because I have to get rid of everything I have. Not sure what's going to happen to Jimmy. I want to find somewhere for him to stay until I finish. He's been such a super freind to me. My little bit of peace in this world. I want him looked after well, and if I can get him back later. So the plans are that I go to treatment. I chose Halton House because it a three month program. I need at least that to get my head pointed back in the right direction. With all the crap that goes on in my mind right now, it would be imposible to straighten out. I know that now and there's no more messing with it. After treatment I'm still planning to go to Halifax. I wanted to try that before when I first talked to Sheldon about it, but I just couldn't see it really happening. I knew I would get there, and the same things would happen. I would end up drunk, or high again hateing myself. If I'm going to go there I want to be straight. I see people here that I had dealings with sometimes, people that know things about me, and I feel embaressed and ashamed. The other day I was riding my bike past where I used to work, and I saw the chef. There were doing a B.B.Q. outside. I got scared and didn't want him to see me. I ducked my head and turned fast down a street. Really made me feel like shit. Anyway, after treatment, I can still go to Halifax. I figure this is better. No sense going if I'm still doing the same things. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. It's getting way too hard getting back up again. I'm getting older now, and someday I know I won't get up anymore. That's really the bottom line. I don't want to die this way, and I'm not ready for that yet. I want to be the good person God intended me to be. Anyway, going to the Dr's now to get those forms I should have gotten weeks ago. Got a lot of shit to do next month. Really scary in a way, but I need to just take one step at a time. I'm trying to not let things overwhelm me. Just focuse on what I need to do now. Thank you, God.