I'm writting my journal today, just trying to get some of this stress out. I haven't been on here because things just feel so messed up. Looking for jobs here is useless. There just isn't anything. I've been working for my landlord, but that's adding to the stress, and not helping. I spend most of my days just waiting for him. He tells you to go somewhere to work, but then you get there and can't do anything because he's not there with the key or tools. Today I was up at seven ready. I waited till 9 to phone him. Then he tells me that he came and picked the other guys up and they were outside making noise, like as if I should have known. I'm almost ready to punch him out. All they had to do was knock on my door. I told him whats he think I look out the window all morning to see if they are downstairs. I've had it with him. I really have. Yesterday I was at a place for him doingdrywall. He didn't even buy drywall to do the job. He goes and gets scrapes for us to try and finish an apartment he's making. Then of course there's no water or food the whole day, and of course have to wait two hours for him again to pick us up. Am I bitching? Fucking right I am. I'm mad at myself for getting here in the first place. Mad at myself for drinking and fucking up my life so much. I would love to live a life sober, but really don't think I can. Too much anger about my life and the things I messed up. It just never seems to end. I'm so tired now, but I can't rest. Don't seem to have any time for God anymore, and don't even think he really cares. I think about my kids all the time, but can't afford to dwell in that. It's like I'm supposed to forget them or something. How are you supposesd to do that? Seems like ever since I first admited I was an addict, and alcoholic years ago to my probation officer, you just lose any rights to your kids at all. I thought before that having Sheldon here with his kid would help, but it's not. All that's doing is adding to my stress. His favourite word is, "No". Everything is no, and then a crying fit after. Sheldon is too much at times to. Stays up till three in the morning on the computer, then the kid is up early getting into everything. I can't find anything here anymore. The place is a mess. This morning I got up and Sheldon is in the washroom asleep on the toilet. My God, I feel like I'm close to snapping. I feel awful. My chest is constantly tight, and I feel like I'm going to explode. I phoned a guy I used to work for in Milton today. I'm so desperate to get the hell out of all this. Actually I was surprised that he was happy to here from me. He said he would get back to me in a bit. He was a good person to work for. Has a beutiful farm that I used to paint and take care of. We used to do construction work, mostly roads and bridges. I was so happy then. If he calls, I told Sheldon I'm out of here like a shot. I don't care about my stuff or anything. All I care about is Jimmy. I'll make sure he's alright, but the rest I don't care anymore about. I was so stupid comming here in the first place, thinking I was going to make a fresh start at a new life. This place is a dumping ground. People here seem to be happy being down and out here. It's incredible. I see it everyday. Hookers on the corners, crack addicts looking, fights always going on. Cop cars, ambulances and fire trucks all the time. I remember Dillon telling me that I seem to think I'm better or something. Well, yes I do. And I also beleive that there is a better life out there, and somehow I'm going to have it. Staying here just makes me feel like I've given up or something. Nobody seems to want better. I'm sure they do, but I think that the longer you stay here, the more hopeless you become. I feel that anyway, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Differance is I'm not hanging around here anymore. First bus ticket out, I'm gone. I have some hope at least still left in me, but that will go if I stay.I guess my bitching session is over. Does feel a bit better getting it out, but not much. I'll try and smile a little today, try.