The past few days I've been all over the place. Frustrated, angry, worrying. It's been real hell. Just from saying those three words, "Go fuck yourself." i really didn't intend on those words comming out when I spoke them to my manager, but they just came out. I feel she was in the wrong also, but that doesn't matter. I still have a little hope of getting the job back. The head manager is investigating it and supposed to talk with me on Monday. I almost started messing myself up. I got into smoking crack yesterday. I wanted to spend everything and just forget, but most of the money I had was from Sheldon. I just couldn't do that to him. I stopped after awhile, just asking myself, "What am I doing." I thought of Stephan, and how he's so inocent. Never asked to come into this world, but needs people to help him and look after him. I feel like shit now. Never enjoyed it, and it sure didn't take anything away, except some money. i'm starting to straighten out. Sheldon let someone look after Stephan last night. We had a good talk. He's not a bad guy. Really likes me. Funny how that feels bad. He was telling me about a lot of peple that care about me, funny how I never know. So I still have the rent money put away, and I'm working with Bob's son today. God, does life seam hard and never ending. I heard from Cathy today. She sent me an E-mail yesterday. I was so happy. Just goes to show that instead of telling people what you feel at the time they do things that seem wrong, or you don't like, things can come out good. I remember when she didn't want me contacting her, and said she was getting back with her ex. I knew she was lieing, and I was mad and wanted to tell her so many things, but I kept quiet. So many days went by where I felt like sending her an E-mail saying what I felt, but I didn't. Then She E-mails me asking how I'm doing. What a blessing that was. Just to know she cared. I phoned her today. She's had a hard time with the chemo, but is doing all right. I told her I wanted to see her, so we made plans for tomorow. So things are not as bad as I was making them out to be. Sometimes we just need to wait. Lots of times people wonder why I am quiet most times. I learned long ago that too much talk is foolish. You start to make up things, and say things that later you regret, or can't keep. Better to wait for the right words, than say stuff just to impress.