Feel very good today. Almost like I'm getting better...ha. I'm even starting to smile again, and that does feel good. I think the weather has really helped. It's been so beutiful outside the past couple of days. The sun has been shining, the birds are chirping in the morning, and I've had the windows open for fresh air. Spring time is my favourite time of the year. Feels like everything is starting to come back to life after such a long, and hard winter. I'm feeling like I want to be with people again, and try to live happy. I know that doesn't happen by itself, but i feel like I want to do things again. The medication the Dr put me back on again seems to have settled down with the side affects. Don't feel nervous or jittery anymore. I just feel like me again. Things are going alright with work, although I still feel a little embaressed about the day I came clean with my manager and chef about smoking on the job. I see that the manager is going a little out of her way to help me feel more comfortable about being there. She's made some nice comments and encourages me to smile. That does help a lot because I really did feel bad about the smoking thing, and lieing. Today the chef i noticed was letting me just prepare things without interfering, or trying to get me to do things just his way. That felt really good too. I like when people allow me to use the knowledge I have in my work, and to show what I know. Things just might be alright now. I'm hopeing. I've still been preocupied with thoughts about my life, and where it is, and what I should do to help make it better. Mostly what I come up with is just keep doing what I'm doing, and don't jump to any sudden conclusions. Things really aren't that bad. I have a nice place to live, I have Jimmy for company and to love, I have a pretty good job, and I have pretty good health. It could be so much worse, and most probably would be if not for God watching over me. It's so easy to get in that self pitty thing, but I see things sometimes that really shake me up. Today I was at the bus depot, and I seen this man in a wheelchair. I think he was completly paralyzed or something. He had this atachment on his wheelchair that came up to his mouth, and that was how he had to manuver himself around. Just using his mouth to direct the wheelchair where he wanted to go, and he was out by himself just going wherever. It really amazed me. Just imagine not having the use of anything, but your mouth just to get around. Really woke me up, I tell you. I've also been having thoughts about being older now, and this might just be the best that it is. I know that's a little foolish, but I do get those thoughts a lot now. Seems like before I could always manage to have some hopes and dreams about having a better life. I could find things that seemed to give me some drive or something, but it seems differant now. Sometimes I think that in the past I would push myself so hard trying to get my dream, or some dream, but now I seem to be looking at all that time, and how much effort I seemed to have to put into things, and it just seems differant now. Perhaps I need to think more about being happy, and greatful for what I have now. I know I'm forty eight, but sometimes I get this feeling like I'm finished. Hard to explain, but perhaps my expectations for myself may have been unatainable. I need to learn to be happy now. This is the only time that we have. This moment. To be happy now is really all that we should be doing. When we finally go back to the ground, the most we might have is our best suits. All this stuff that we spend so much energy with, just won't matter. Alright, getting into a little too deep of shit for my head right now. So I'm going to the Tuesday night meeting tonight. That's A.A. I like this meeting about the best. There's a few old timers there. The kind that really have good sincere wisdom that I love, so I'm looking foreward to that. I've been eating much better the past week. I try to eat a good meal at work every day now, and sit down. At least for five or ten minutes. That's been helping a lot, and I'm feeling much more healthier. I don't know exactly why, but since I mostly started this job I just never seemed to really eat much. They deduct a little each day for my meals, and they have all kinds of good food, but I just never seemed to feel hungry. I know the pain medication contributed to my loss of appetite, but I think the depression medication I'm on now seems to be helping my appetite come back, and that's good. I was very worried about the amount of weight I lost. Thought I might have really damaged myself, but it seems alright now. Thank you, Lord. So anyway, things seem to be going in the right direction. I'm eating good, getting back with people, taking care of myself, and Jimmy. I'm journaling good again, and enjoying the good responses to them by people on here that care about me. That is very important. No matter what, it's very important for me to have people care for me. Not just me, but everyone needs that. Everybody has their struggles, but we need each other. God works through his creations, and he also provides love through them. God is so good, huh? He does provide us with everything, if only we could remember that and stop trying to run the show.,.. I am happy now. Thank you so much, Lord. Thank you, and bless us all. Amen