Well, today went a little better. got a little honest with the chef and my manager. I felt such a huge releif afterwards, that I went in and talked to the chef and asked him just to put everything down and kinda make a truce between us. It started with this morning. When I'm working, sometimes I just need a smoke, but because of the shit between the chef and I, or at least what I felt, I always find myself being sneaky about everything. This has really been a problem thats been putting a lot of pressure on me. I want to be honest, and being sneaky about things, because I've felt the chef was looking for anything to get me on, well it just hasn't been good. It's really played on my head, but anyway, when I wanted a smoke I would go in the dish room and turn o0n the exhaust fan and have a few puffs, but they were catching on to me. The manager confronted me about it today. I denied it totally at first. I used to try and be honest when I did wrong, but ever since I lost my career doing that, I vowed that i would never admit anything at work again. But I just felt so tired of lieing today. She didn't even care that I did it. All she wanted was a sulution that would work for both of us. She told me that she liked my work, and was happy with me. That really blew my mind, because I thought they were trying to find a way to get me for something. She said she talked with the chef and told him that if I needed a cigarette, to let me have one. After she said that, I just felt I had to come clean with her. I( told her that, yes I lied. I felt so foolish, but I know she was trying to do something good for me. It really surprised me, because I thought she would have repremanded me or something. She had every right to, but she went out of the norm and even told the chef to let me go when I asked. I really felt that was something special. I felt such a sense of releif that I just wanted to try and make things right all around, so I went to the chef and just told him that I was sorry and just tired of lieing and playing games, and I held out my hand for us to shake and start over. He said O.K. and shook my hand. All this has really been a mounting problem for me. I found that after awhile I was getting more and more dishonest. It really felt terible. No wonder my head was getting fucked up. I had to watch everything I did, watch my ass, think ahead, just so much shit starts pileing up when your dishonest. i felt angry all the time. Pluse of course they know, but it was getting like a cat and mouse game to try and catch me. Not a good way to spend 8 hours of your day. Anyway, now that this is finally out, mayby I can start getting my shit together. The last few days I've really been just worn right out. Been thinking a lot about my life, and where I'm at. Trying to look at some options that might help to change things, because I'm just not happy with things. Getting angry doesn't help. That just causes me to do things that I feel bad about. Right now I seem to be at a stand still. Just tired of everything, but too scared to give up. I Know I have to do something, but what I don't know. The bills are pileing up. I'll be alright to pay them next week, but it is agravating. Tim's not here, so I don't have the extra money comming in. I can get by, but I don't just want to get by. I want to be able to do things. Not just pay the rent and bills, go to work and come home. What the hell kind of life is that. Just the same ol, same ol everyday. Life is to short to live that way. I still feel that there's more I can do with my life. Well see. At least I'm back to journaling. At least that gets me thinking about stuff, and looking at my life as well as my self. At least I feel like I'm comming back slowly, not sure what I'm doing, but at least feeling some life comming back. I've been taking my vitamines and making myself eat and that's working good. For so long I just haven't had any appetite. Mostly since I started the pain medication way back last summer. Funny, the most thing that's keeping me going is Jimmy, my cat. I look at him all the time. He's so innocent. I think of just taking off, but then I have to consider him. Sometimes I think of just getting a cheap room for awhile to get some money to start out again, but then I can't do that to him. He's just about the only real good thing in my life that I can look to. Animals can really have some good affects on people. He sure does on me. He's been there many times when I didn't have anything else to hang on to. I won't ever let no harm come to him. Sometimes I think I'm nut's hanging on to a place just so a cat can have room to play. Of course I'm nut's, but that's life.