Not sure what the hell I'm doing anymore. I'm back on the meds from the Dr, so there making me feel a little fucked up. especially at work. Today was a little better tho. I took the pill in the morning instead of at night. I should never have stopped taking them. I know I was listening to Dillon, and trying to do what he was saying, but he doesn't know. We talked today for a long time. It was funny when I met him. I went to the hotel where the gym is and I seen Dillon talking on the phone by the pool. I snuck up behind him and touched him with my umbrella, he almost went through the roof. We had a good talk tho. We talked of my alcohol use, and what we agreed on was that I use it to slow, or stop my thinking. he said i probably have a thinking problem more than an alcohol problem. I've known this for some time, but everyone always says the alcohol. Trouble is that I really think far to much, and I don't know how to stop it without alcohol or a drug of some sort. I looked at the past whenever I was doing good. Most times I was focused on something so much that it allowed me to not drink or use. When I was at the Sobriety Center working, I was focused on a freind that I spent time on the computer with. It kept me occupied, as well as my mind, and I did good. But that changed, and I lost focuse. At work lately, I've noticed that I'm becoming preocupied with some anger I feel towards the chef, and I just don't know how to shut it off. Of course when I feel this way for too long I want some peace, so I drink or take a pill. That's all I know that will quiet down the stuff I feel inside. The medication seemed to work well before, and I was doing good, but it seems that when things change, and I stop doing things, I get messed up. It seems that I need to constantly keep working so hard at keeping my mind occupied just to stay traight, but it gets tireing after awhile. Sometimes I just want to rest, or take it easy like I see other people, but I can't seem to afford to do that. A.A. really isn't working here for me. In Kitchener, most people in there are hard core derelects with criminal backgrounds. It just doesn't give, or offer me anything I want. I want a good life with good people, not going to meetings and hearing how people either fight, or hurt other people. I know all this is hard explaining, and I know I sound like I'm judging, but I'm really looking at things the way they are. In Milton I was happy. It was Middle class people. The streets were beutiful. Nice lawns, and trees. The people looked good. They smiled and said hello. In the meetings I remember I adopted them as my family, because I didn't have a real family anymore. I wasn't perfect, but I did pretty good, and I was happy. Here, I live pretty much in i guess, a gheto kind of thing. Anytime outside there's hookers, drug addicts, derelects, and whatever. No one hardley says hello, or smiles. I've tried to see some good in this place since I came here, about two years ago, but I can't see it. I talked to Dillon today about perhaps moving. I really thyink that would be good, but of course, it's risky and scary because you never know what your getting into next. All I know is that when I come into my apartment, sit and look around, there seems to be nothing. Most people here, I don't want to know. i tried to make it with a freind here, but she's gone. I need to move on. Anyway, I just wanted to try to get back to writting or something to get my head focused. Life can really be hard, but at least I feel like I'm getting something back to get me moving. Lord, please be with me, and help me find what I need. Thank you.