Just need to bitch a little. Got an E-mail from Cathy yesterday saying she was going back with her husband so we shouldn't stay freinds. My first thought was alright, her choice and I need to accept it and let things go as they should, but this morning it's starting to bug me. Of course it hurts me a little, but nothing to get all messed up about. The part that bugs me is that she still is using God when she addressed me, and also the dishonesty that has been going on all along. I feel like i was just something to use just to fill the gap until something else came along. In the begining, sounds like an epic feature or something, Huh? We discussed our beleifs, expectations of us and a relationship, and commitments, and decided that we would give it a go. I see, and have seen for the last while, that she is one of these people that seem to see things in dilusion, or something. I seem to always run into this type of person. They seem to treat people like used cars. At first it's good, and does the job, and they seem genuinly happy, but as soon as something else comes along, they just dump the car and move on to the next. How come I can't do that? When I get involved with someone, I make a commitment with myself, and God that I will stick it out through bad, and good. That's the way I beleive, and was brought up with. You don't just jump ship because of this or that. In a relationship your supposed to work through things. That's what makes a relationship strong over time. Am I the only one that beleives this way? Seems so at times. I feel angry more than hurt. We discused everything, and we decided that we were going to really try. Doesn't seem like that meant a damned thing to her. I feel like I want to tell her how I feel. I don't want to be involved with her or anything, but I would like to let her know what kind of person she is. As far as I'm concerned everything she said was a lie. she's lied, been dishonest about everything, and...well, just plain full of shit. And still she has the nerve to say that she beleives that she's doing God's will. She's doing her will, and distorting things so that they suit her needs. I know she has some mental health issues with depression and other things, and perhaps I really didn't take these seriously. She just seems to not see things right. Lots of people are like this I find. Their interpretations, perceptions and reality seems to change by the minute to suit whatever they seem to be involved with, or in.. In a way, it's my own fault too for being anxious to be with someone. You need to be patient and take the time that's needed to see if people's commitment are really real. If they are, they will stick it out. Obviously her commitment wasn't worth a shit. I beleive that she wanted to at the time. Most people are like that. They want to commit, but when it comes to the real work, they jump ship and take the easier way. I guess real relationships aren't for everyone. Not many people can really commit. Just look at the divorce rate that's full of people that have jumped ship because of this or that. That's not being commited. Commitment is sticking it out through the bad and the good, not just the good. Anyway, better for her to show it now, rather than spend a lot of time investing in something that eventually won't work anyway. I'm going to keep looking for that person that I know God has for me. The person that is strong and stands by their word. That person that wants a real relationship, and is willing to do the work. I look at it as her loss. People like that are always bouncing from relationship to relationship. Always blaming something, or someone and never looking at themselves or the real reasons why their relationships never work out. Unless you work through the things that prevent your relationships from working, you never get passed them, and the same things will keep happening over and over. Like that saying in A.A. Doing the same things, and expecting differant results. It doesn't work. They call that insanity, by the way. She's going back to her ex that has kept leaving her and comming back for twenty years, thinking that this time it will be differant. Duh????? Oh well, better her than me. I don't want that shit, and I know God's got something better ahead for me. No more jumping into things for me. That's it. I'll meet people, date them, but they can just dam well wait. I want someone that wants to commit, not just somone to play with. I'm happy with my little home here, and my buddy, Jimmy. Unless someone is willing to commit, I'm not budging. Ha, this one even wanted me to drop some of my freinds just because they were female. Glad I didn't fall for that. I would be without a girlfreind, as well as some freinds. Geeze, the nerve of people. PEOPLE ARE FRIGGING CRAZY! I'm staying with Jimmy. He's the only sane one around me it seems. Don't worry none tho. Yea this sort of thing bugs me, as it would anyone. There's a little hurt that comes along with a feeling of being rejected, but I look at it as a good thing. It's teaching me to be stronger in those areas because I need to be. God knows that, and I beleive he is with me through it all. He wants me to be stronger, and he knows that to teach me I need to go through experiances, and to feel all these things so that I can become better, and stronger. I trust God that he knows what he's doing, and he knows what I need. He will never give me more than I can handle. In the end I am going to come out stronger, wiser and more prepared to help others that may experiance the same things. I won't cry or anything like that because in the end I will find what I need. Thank you so much Lord. For bringing people like Cathy. I pray that she find her happiness, and I pray that her cancer be healed. Thank you Lord for answering my questions of wheather I should tell her what I really think or feel about all this. I wanted to send her an E-mail telling her what I really thought about her actions, and how it made me feel, but I won't do that now. If I did, it would only be to hurt back or something. I want her to be happy, whatever way that is. Thank you, Lord for being with me. Amen..... So now for my day. It went very well. I see a change in the chef and how he behaves around me. He talks to me nice now, and with respect, ...I think. At least today he did. I started today off just acting as tho it were another day. I put everything about our argument, and anything to do with it, away. I greeted him nicely, and joked like I normally like to do. He was good too. I really like this thing that we seem to have between us. We may argue, or get mad and have words, but after everything is over we move on. It kinda surprises me with him. I know I do it because of all I have been taught through recovery, and what I have learned about being a good person, but with him it's a little differant. I'm not sure if he's ever been involved in any type of recovery program. He's told me that he used to be crazy with drinking long ago, but never mentioned anything about getting help. But for him to act good like this surprises me. I think it's really great. Sometimes I just think that he's really just a nice guy that's had a rough life that left some hurt that he tries to hide. Either that or he's what they call a dry drunk. He seems to have just quit drinking a long time ago, but never had a program. I think sometimes he gets caught up in his misery. He was married for awhile, and had a couple of kids, but the marriage from what I understand was a war zone. His ex wife works there for Manulife. They sometimes talk a little, and even joke with each other. I found that surprising, but they keep a talking type of relationship so they can deal with raising their kids. He seems surprisingly responsible. He pays his support and does what he has to. Doesn't complain about it. He just does it because he's supposed to. He seems like the type of person that does what there supposed to no matter what. I heard him and his wife talk a bit. She seems like she was the crazy one. I heard her joke about throwing ashtrays at him. And she was saying this in front of a coworker. When I heard this I figured she was the crazy one. Looks a little like it too. At first she seems like a small, kinda cute lady, but looking a little harder I can see that you would have to watch it with her. I think the marriage, and the unfairness of the courts concerning his payments and stuff has had a big impact on him. Might explain his own craziness. Anyway, off to the gym again. Thank you, Lord. Thank you. Amen.