Today went well, but had a little rough start. Got into it first thing this morning with the chef. I think he was just in one of his moods. First we started with him just yapping off as usual. The security guard was there as usual visiting. I was just going to ignore the chef, but while I was going out the door I heard him call me a moron. I did an about face and asked him what he said. He started stumbling for words, and then got sputtering something about me just doing what I'm told. That really made me laugh. I said, " Yessum boss. I'se be a good boy now for ya all. I does all i'm told like a real good boy." The security guard started laughing, but I could see Joe really felt stupid and didn't know what to do. I really felt good about it. Although I got mad, and blew up in a way. It was a good mad. I didn't lose controle, or get ignorent and start swearing and going on. I knew he was out of line, but I kept cool, and actually enjoyed it. I didn't overdo it. I said exactly what i wanted without losing any respect. This is really a big thing for me. Anger used to be a nightmare with me. I hated getting upset because it would cause me to lose all self controle, and usually I ended up making an ass of myself. I would shake, and spluter out words. Most of the time just swore because I couldn't think right of anything, but this was good. I feel very proud of myself. I even made sure I still went out with him for our morning smoke. He tried going without me, but I made sure I went. I made sure I just talked normal too. I had already said what I needed to, and as far as I was concerned, that was that. I joked with him and told him about the crazy nut that did my taxes, and didn't mention anything more about our argument. Other staff had heard it, and they came trying to find out what happened, but I kept quiet about it. I hate when people brag about things after stuff. I used to do that, but find it just makes you look bad. Actually I really like Joe. I know that he struggles with painful things too. I don't know what they are, but I know he has hurts. Later in the morning he apologized to me. That felt really good. I said it was alright and sometimes we just need to let some steam out. That's one thing about him and I. Every time we have gotten mad at each other, and said words, we always apologize before the day is over. We don't take it home. That's a good thing. Actually it's what the bible says we ought to do." Never let the sun go down while you are angry." This whole thing really makes me thankful about recovery. Things would have gone so much more differant  before. I would have felt so bad, but it's alright now. I know I won't be up all night thinking of it like I used to. That's a blessing. Sometimes for days, weeks, or months I would stew about the least little argument, but not this time. Thank you so much Lord. I've been thinking abot Dillon over a few things lately. I do find him good to talk to at times, but i find it hard because he's not honest. The talks we have are good, but a lot of other things he's not honest about. Those things don't really concern me personally, but I just find it a little dificult. I know the Sobriety Center is not really focused on actually helping people recoverns of income that I beleive is more for Dillon's benefit. I may not understand everything completly, nor do I really care to get involved with that. It's just some things he tells me is straight up bullshit. I remember seeing him with this guy from A.A. The guy has some mental problems, and isn't too swift. He was comming up to his twelve year birthday or so, and Dillon was trying to impress me or something. He was doing his fast talk and telling how he was sponsoring the guy. Dillon said he was my sponsor too awhile ago, but he really hasn't done anything in that aspect. Actually he's always hinting that I should get a sponsor because he's too busy with his bussiness. I look back tho, and what Dillon was actually doing was taking this handicapped person who was sober, and trying to use him for his own benefit so he could say that he helped him. Dillon wasn't, or never had been this guy's sponsor, but it was like he was trying to cash in on the guys sobriety. He wanted, or said he wanted to be my sponsor too only for something that he can hold up to say what he, and the Sobriety Center are doing. I remember how he said he likes to get guys doing the steps right away. That was quite awhile ago. He neverv takes the time to do what he says. He's always talking about things, but never does them it seems. This part bugs me. Mayby I just think too much. I have befited from talking to him at times. Seems like the words are good, but if your looking for action it will be a long time. Anyway, that doesn't bother me that much because I don't depend on anyone. I learned to not do that long ago. Anyway, just some thoughts I have.I talked with Cathy yesterday too. On Friday when she told me she was busy for the weekend, something told me that it must be something with her ex. I had this feeling awhile ago when she said she felt guilty about us. I remember thinking that if she felt guilt, there must be something behind it that she needed to deal with. This is when I decided that we couldn't have a relationship. I knew she wanted to be honest, but she was hiding something. She just seemed a bit confused, and not really open. I just had a feeling. Anyway, I'm alright with it. It's her problem, and she needs to deal with it. I can still be freinds, but I wouldn't want anything more. She needs to deal with, and sort out what she wants. She had an off and on relationship with her ex for about twenty years. Seems like he comes around for awhile, and then takes off, and then after awhile calls her up wanting to get back together again. I don't understand it. Seems like a no brainer to me. He doesn't seem to really love her, just seems to want to be with her to fill some type of need at times. People without a program are very funny I find. I'm very happy that I came across A.A, and everything else that it lead me into. It's a funny world tho. I do consider myself a very good person, and I would make someone a very good partner because of all I've been through and learned. I'm not bragging by any means, but I have learned some very important things that others seem to overlook. Things like commitment, loyalty. Lots of people tell me that I'm a really nice guy, but that doesn't seem to mean anything when it comes to relationships. Woman still seem to prefere some hunk, even tho they are usually assholes. Mayby it's just me, or my thinking, but I don't understand things a lot of times. With me, you could bring the most gorgouse woman in the world, but that doesn't mean a rats ass to me. I see lots of woman with knock out bodies, but it doesn't mean a thing to me. Lots of people find this hard to beleive when I talk about this, but it's true. I would rather find someone with a good heart, that knows about pain. I find that that type of person is usually better to be with. I learned long ago that looks have nothing to do with your happiness in a relationship. I find that when I love someone now, it's a choice I make. It has nothing to do with my feelings or emotions. The good feelings and emotions I feel later come about from the choices of my actions. What I choose to do to make things good. Might take me longer finding someone, but when I do, I can almost gaurantee that it will be lasting. Anyway, just some thinking. I like this path that I'm on. I know that in the long run, I will find happiness. Oh, boy.. i feel so tired all of a sudden. I feel like I could just lay down and sleep right now. I think I have been driving myself for awhile again. I don't seem to have sense when it comes to this type of thing. I have to get on track with eating right too. I eat little bits here and there, mostly sweets like donuts and things, but not right meals. I still drink my drinks, but I need to eat properly. That seems to be a downfall with living alone. Just don't feel like making a meal. anyway, I'm going to the gym. I think I'm going to make it an early night tonight. Although I don't miss Tim, I do miss having somebody here. Jimmy is alright, but I need smeone to talk to sometimes. I should get out to some meeting. I've been putting them off awhile. Mayby tomorow. Thank you Lord for helping me through today. Thanks for the change in my ways of dealing with people and things that get me angry. Thank you for being there. Amen.