I wanted to write my journal yesterday, but sometimes the time just fly's by, I find with being sober. anyway, yesterday seemed like I was being surounded by nuts. Things previously were still bothring my mind. The stuff with my chef. Wondering how I will be towards him now. I know I will act profesional, but I don't think anything more than that. he's just someone that I won't trust from now on. I don't want anythiong more than a working relationship with him. In the past, if I felt this way about someone I would be straight out sarcasstic, and never let them forget how much of a goof they are, but I won't do that. I know that will only hurt me more than it will him. I will deal with things the best I can, and just focus on doing my job to the best of my ability. It's all I can do. Cathy was still playing with my thoughts too. I just can't figure out people sometimes(My favourite past time.) She seemed to always call me over, and then want to be intimate, but then it seems after every time, she would call, or E-mail me, kinda explaining how we needed to just be freinds, or that we shouldn't see each other. She would spend a lot of time telling me about how, or why things wouldn't work. Hell, if i really want something to work, I'de better focuse on how, and why it can work, not on why it won't. If it is true, which I beleive it is, that we are where our thoughts are, and our thoughts are what directs our lives, then if we want to get to where we want then we need to focus on how to get there. Not on why we can't. If your already focused on why you can't, you've already decided that it won't work. I can't fight that, or change someone that's already decided to think that way. Two people can only work on what they both choose, and they need to beleive.  If I'm in a relationship, I want to focuse, and tell of why things could work? Not sit and think about why it won't. Anyway, I just find her thinking a little frustrating because it seems to be the same all the time. That's why i think this is part of her mental problem in some way. I'm alright with it tho. Better to find out these things early, instead of after you really get involved. I could still be freinds with her, if she wants, but it's not a priority. I don't want to spend that kind of time always talking about wheather we can be freinds or lovers. Hell, we've only known each other about a month, and still were discussing if it's right, or wrong, whether seeing each other is right. I don't even think that I really want a relationship. Lately I'm finding that trying to make one happen, or create one, only seems to frustrate me, and get everything all mixed up because I lose what I really should be concentrating on, and focusing on, which is recovery, growing, learning, and developing my relationship with God. Especially God. Without God, there is nothing. God is love, and I have learned that I need that love, not so much the love of people. The love of people comes, and goes, but the love of God is always.  I'm happy living how I am. I want someone to do things with, have fun, and be able to talk, but I can wait. Better to wait for a more suitable person, rather than grab the first one, and end up miserable.  I think that by trying to find a relationship the way I have been, is perhaps an old thing that may need changed. In recovery I'm finding that sometimes the things we continue to try and do, are often things that lead to our drinking, or using in the first place. Like my being a chef. Somehow I have seen that that was a major thing that kept me drinking. I love to cook, but I think that the profesion, with the stress and bullshit, played a major role in me not being happy. I'm much more happy working as a cook and not living with all the stress I felt before, aside from the jerk I work with. With Tim now gone, I find myself relecting a lot on how he was. Funny how when your with someone, you never seem to see the real picture. What keeps popping up in my mind is how deliberatly he was in regards to respect for others, and simply not careing what anyone else wants. I've had a few days to myself, and have really enjoyed the peace, quiet, and normality of being clean. Incidents keep comming to mind where I have felt total disregard and disrespect from him, but chose to ignore it for some reason. At times I thought he was really a nice or good guy, but I find myself really not likeing him now. He loves his addiction, and was totally full of shit. Yes, I am taking his inventory, but not to hurt anyone, rather I am using it to try and have a better understanding of an addict, and how they affect others. After all, I'm sure that what I feel is what others in my own life felt towards me. He came by Saturday. I was still in bed because of staying up to late. Aparently he had left the key under the mat by my door. He let himself in, as well as a freind. I found it anoying, just seeing himThe bullshit smile, and mentioning little things as if he was a good careing person. Of course he didn't have, or did, the money he owes. Said that he would get his stuff over a little time. Yea, I'll just store his stuff until it's conveniant for him. The way he left pisses me off some too. The last week he was here, all he did was blow his money on drugs. Helped himself to my coffee that I get for myself(Espresso, which he always said he didn't like) so he could save money for drugs instead. Things that were needed he ignored because he wasn't going to be here. Things like toilet paper, and dish soap. He was even helping himself to my personal toiletries. Yea, it might be complaining, but I noticed it moreso because he was leaving. That coffee cup in the sink to, the last day when he left, the one he left soaking, still is with me, because it was his way of saying, "Fuck you. He knew that I did not like others dishes being left soaking, or dirty in the sink. When people live together you need to be considerate of the other person and leave things clean so they can do what they need to without moving all your shit. I'm not a clean freak by any means, but while living with someone else you need to consider them. He didn't, and for his last thing here, leaving that coffee cup was no mere thing. Beleive me, I have lived the life of an addict, and know how I was. He's no differant. And now with his stuff here, taking up my space, he's just assuming that it's alright. When I had to just clean the bedding he used, that alone cost me about fifteen bucks to do. Why would you leave a place, and just leave all your dirty sheets, Especially in his case, as well as leaving the room not cleaned. Anytime I have left a place and moved, I always left it clean. Enough about him anyway. I have the key now, and just may charge him a storage fee. Should charge him a cleaning fee too. Fuck, he had the place cheap as hell, and used all the conveniances like T.V, computer, telephone, all of which I never said were included. Ah, forget it. He's gone. I learned some things through it, and it did teach me a lot, and this is what we need in recovery. Don't always like it, but if I can still show love towards an addict,(Society's unlovable.) I guess i am doing the will of God. Hope so. Hate to think I just did it out of stupidness. While at the gym I met this young guy that started talking to me when I was getting on the exercise bike. He started off telling me which bike was better, and I should try the other one. One of my little red flags popped up, but I thought it might just be me. Anyway, after we ended up in the sauna together. He started a conversation about fruits and the carbs and stuff they have, and how they work on your matabolism and effect your weight. I felt like telling him I really didn't give a rats ass about carbs and stuff like that, but I soon noticed that every time I would get only two words in he was already cutting me off and finishing my response for me. I tried a few more times, but he did the same. Eventually I heard one of those voices in my head saying, "Why don't you go fuck yourself." my patience finally wore out after I realized that anything that was said was redirected all about him. I politly got up and left with a sigh of releif. Later he came into the locker room and tried talking again, but now I was onto him and didn't make any effort to encourage any conversation. He was perhaps in his late twenties or so, but then he ask me if I wanted to go for a drink. I thought, "What the hell is this." I told him I didn't drink, and I didn't want to. Then he starts backtracking about alcohol really not being good. Then he mentions his wife for some reason. I was on the other side of the lockers trying to change as fast as I could. I knew this guy was a nut of some sort, and I didn't want to find out what it was. I started thinking to myself that even if I did choose to drink with him, I would probably end up knocking him out. This is what I meant about feeling like I was surounded by nuts yesterday. Some days are like that. Anyway, went to church today, and who do I see but this lady who seemed like a religious fanatic from where I worked before. She was the one that watched everything I did and after reported it to the manager. She was all smiles and hugged me. I almost was laughing during the service because she's one of these people that do stuff I just don't understand. I left before the very end because I didn't want to talk to her. I remember after they fired her, I was walking on the street and she beeped her horn to say hello. When I realized who she was, instead of waving hello, or smilling, I flipped her the bird. She was a jerk when i was working there. Why would I be happy to see her, or want to say hello was beyond me. Everyday she used to have a peice of paper with her, writting everything about me. If I farted, and what time it was. Before I realized that it was her doing it, I remember actually looking all over my work area thinking that they had to have a camera somewhere. Everything I did they seemed to know and call me in for. Anyway, those days are over. Have to always save some energy for the next asshole that comes along. So off for the day. Not doing much. Mayby some more cleaning or something. Thank you Lord for being with me. I pray that I will practise what you teach me, and apply your teaching in everything I do. I pray for patience, tollerance, your wisdom, and whatever else you feel I might need. Thank you, Lord. Amen