Well, here I am at almost 5am thinking. The worst time to be doing that. Everything seems to be bugging me, or worrying me. I thought I would come here and do some journaling. that seems to help. Like I said a lot of things are playing with me. With Cathy, I'm not sure about anything there. It's not having the same affect as when I first met her. Instead I'm realizing that there's not much I can do there. She has mental illness that I'm seeing is affecting anything that might have developed between us. There's nothing I can do about it. Seems almost on a weekly basis since I met her that we go through the same thing, and reiterate the same about being freinds. She just seems to get all mixed up because she thinks about it too much. I'm just leaving it alone. I find it a little tireing going through the same things. I have lots I can do, and need to stay focused on recovery, and taking care of me. I really thought that I wanted to be involved with someone in a relationship, but I'm reevaluating that idea. In that area I think it's better just to wait, and hopefully the right person will come along. Cathy has had three marriages after all. It' a little foolish, and wishful thinking that it will be differant this time. Anyway, I have accepted that she just might not allow it to go anyway, and there's nothing I can do about her choice. Tim not being here is playing a little with my mind too. I look at all the bullshit about him, and wonder why I allowed it to go on. At times I thought we could be real freinds, but I look at since he has left, and wonder why I thought that. He never had any respect for the rules I set out. Always manipulated them, or right out ignored them. It was a way of saying, "Fuck you, " and trying to play a nice guy at the same time. He's not ever comming back here. Having dope, and doing it here when I clearly told him not too, bringing porn in here, as well as his fucked up street buddies, whom he only has to use them. No, I really would never do that again. Still I'm finding his porn around, as well as roaches from dope. It was weird being in that room again. Brought back a lot of memories of things I went through while in there. Things I thought about and stuff. Jimmy loved it. I brought him with me when I went to bed. He snuggled up under the covers, and was purring most of the time. That was really a treat. I love hearing him purr like that. Brought back to mind how just his purring helped to get me through some tough times. And of course, I'm trying not to let what happened with the chef and I get me down. That is a little hard right now. Just a bag of mixed emotions. Anyway, I feel tired now so off to bed again. I want to cuddle with Jimmy, and justkeep the good thoughts, and leave any of work behind. Good night, again.