Today is going better so far. I went to the noon meeting and seen Gary like I planned. I've seen him often over the time I've been in Kitchener. He's an older guy that's retired, and has a lot of years in sobriety. I was going to ask him to be a sponsor, but decided to wait a bit because of my past experience with sponsors. we went for coffee after the meeting and had a long good talk. I like Gary because he's a very inteligent man. I know he does other things beside A.A. so we can talk a lot of other things. He seems like a person that I can talk to. I stayed sober today, and talking to Gary helped a lot. I think he would be a good sponsor for me. I trust him so far, and he does understand the spiritual aspect that I'm familiar with. He seems like a person that is willing, and enjoys taking the time to talk. Long ago when I first met him, I really didn't like him. He seemed like a person that used a lot of inteligent words, and was long in his talks. He got my attention awhile ago because I started listening to what he was really saying. He talked of God, in the same way that I have come to know God, and what I thought was him just trying to sound inteligent, is in actuality just plain inteligence that's been acquired through his walk in sobriety. I really enjoyed talking with him today. He's the kind of person that has a lot to say about many things, but mostly on his own journey in sobriety. I have a good feeling about the prospect of having him for a sponsor. God willing. Tim had this guy here yesterday when I got home, and it kind of pissed me off. The guy was a street person. I could tell because he had shopping bags with his clothes, but when I came in there was this wooden table leg by his stuff. Now on the streets, and carrying a table leg...to me that's someone into dope. I talked to Tim later about it because I don't want that type around my place, or especially in my place. Tim doesn't seem to understand about hanging around users. He still thinks that their alright at times. Even tho I have a hard time with Sobriety myself, I still don't associate with users. Even when I have been using, I've known that there is nothing there. Users want to use, and mostly when it comes down to it, their using comes first before any so called freindship. My experience has taught me that if you really want your head filled with garbage, just keep having conversations with a user. Mostly you hear trash talk, or just plain negativity. I have a hard enough time on my own without adding to it. Anyway, this is Tim's last couple of days, so things will be more normal shortly. I'll have to clean his room really good, as well as my bed. I almost feel like getting a new mattress, but those are expensive. I'll just have to clean as best as I can. I know Jimmy will be happy about having the room back, and a little more freedom in the place. He'll be able to sleep with me again. I thought about if Tim were to ask me to move in again later, but I'm not doing that. Tim is alright in a lot of ways, but his fantasy world is a little too much for me. He seems like a real perverted person. Always fantasizing about women. He was telling me about meeting this older lady at the gym, but all he really wanted was to fantasize with her. He is pretty sick that way, but he thinks it's normal and alright. I seen the lady he was talking about the other day. She's around sixty or so, I think. She had big boobs that you could tell were all silacone. I assume that her bussiness is in massage for men. Of course I noticed her huge boobs, but I was really trying to look for what else would turn Tim on about her. She seemed very pleasant, and most likely a pretty good person. Most women in that trade are actually very nice people. But her skin on her back was elephant skin. Seemed to me like it was from old age. Her skin seemed to hang everywhere, except her boobs, so I really couldn't see anything else that Tim would be turned on about. Might be just me, but that seems a bit sick. Only wanting someone for their boobs, so you can try and fullfill your own fantasy, with no thought for the other as a person. Anyway, that's his thing. I'm very glad that I don't have that problem. I know we all have things, but porn and stuff really doesn't interest me at all. When I was younger I played a little with porn out of ignorence, but found it usually made me feel guilty. Later when I got into drugs I experienced seeing a lot of things I wish I never saw. I seen people abuse woman, and girls just for, or because of drugs. That made me feel really sick, because at those times you really couldn't do anything about it. You couldn't try and stop it. Usually it was in some crack place and stuff like that just went on. Usually it was guys getting woman to do stuff for crack. I felt really disgusted at the time, mostly with myself for even being there. I think that's when I started realizing how really sick the drug life was. It wasn't a good thing at all. To me it seemed the same as rape. Very sick. Later when I learned through treatment all about the porn world, that really made me realize how sick it was. Most times bikers run the shows, like the strip clubs and stuff. Usually the woman do it for the drugs, or the people running it get them addicted so they can use them to make money. I thought too, that if that was my daughter, how would I feel ? I pray to God that that never happens to her. Then I think of Tim... Yea, I'll be glad when he's gone. Jimmy's been pretty picky about his food lately. Likes the dry stuff, but I was foolish last time when I bought the No Name brand. I don't blame him for not liking it. Doesn't look to good to me either. I gave him some tuna last night, and he really liked that. I think I'm going to give him that more often, after all it's real fish with nothing but water added, so I think it should be good for him. Next time I buy his food, I'll stick to the good stuff. It cost a little more, but he's worth it. He really is. He's been a great buddy for me at times when I've been going through hard times. He seems like he knows when I'm having trouble, and he tries comforting me by just being with me. I remember how his purring seemed so comforting when I was hurting. If only they could talk... I wonder what they would say. Cathy phoned awhile ago. She said she's feeling better. I think she wanted company tonight, but by the time I would get there it would be late, but I told her I would go over tomorow. She needs to clean her fish tank, and getting the water out would be too heavy for her, so I said I would go tomorow. I hope she doesn't want to show me where they operated. She's kinda funny that way. I remember when I first met her, she wanted to show me the spot where the cancer was. I hardley knew her and she drops her drawers to let me see. She's just that way. I think that's why I like her. She's just her, and doesn't pretend to be anything else. I know she's been around the block, like most of us, but she has this straight up inocence about her that I admire. So I have to get more chicken tomorow. I ate that whole peice the other night. Since I got into those pain killers, I haven't had any real appetite, but that night it started comming back. I ate a whole box of Kraft dinner, then the chicken, potatoes, and brocoli. It really felt good to eat like that again. Since then I seem to be eating good again, instead of just picking. Even at work with all that food around, I just didn't seem hungry most times. I know I need to eat better with going to the gym and working out, so I'm glad that it seems to be getting back to normal. I do feel much better today, even tho I had those few beers yesterday. At least I didn't get crazy with that. Wasn't even really worth it. Drinking doesn't feel good like it used to anymore. Just seems to numb me a bit, and then bring on bad emotions. Hopefully I can really stick with things now. I always say that, but I really hope that I can stay away from drinking. It really is much better not drinking. This disease is really baffling to me. Why I keep doing it, I don't know, but I do pray that I learn some time to really keep away from it for good. I know life would be so much better. God, thank you for the state of mind I have right now. Help me to learn, and grow in the ways you would have me. Help me to stay sober, and clean, and to learn to hang on to it. Thank you for being you, and for loving me, and being there always. Please help us all. Amen.