Well, yesterday didn't go as planned. I went and seen Dillon, then went to the meeting, but didn't stay. I told Gary that i wanted to see him. I talked a little with him. Then I went to the gym. Started a good rythem there, but stopped. I could have done more, and should have. After I came home, I phoned Cathy. I bought some chicken breast and was looking foreward to seeing her, but she said she wasn't feeling well. Seemed like I got all messed up about my plans for the day. All of a sudden I had this long weekend ahead with nothing to do. I seen Dan, and decided to get some pot just to try and deal with the time. Carlos was there and invited me to Willies place. I said alright. There was Dan, Willie, Carlos and this other guy. They had beer there, and offered one. I took it and sat down on this filthy couch. I've never gone to Willies place because he's a real heavy drinker, and I just never associated much because of that. I looked around the place, and it reminded me of my old days when I was younger. Just a drunk hole. Willie had all kinds of pictures of Sunshine girls on all his walls. At one point Carlos was even taking pictures of them with his Cell phone. The furniture was well used, and some needed fixing. Everything seemed dirty. There was broken beer bottle on the floor that Willie had done some how the night before. They had a big joint that they passed around. I took it. We decided to play darts, but I really didn't feel comfortable there. Willie was acting drunk and foolish. He really amazes me that he stays alive. I caught myself really bewildered at the skinnyness of him. Couldn't have had more than a twenty inch waist. I decided to get out of there, but then decided to get myself a six pack and just stay at home. Not the best thing to do, but I really seem to have a hard time relaxing, or taking it easy. It seems that i always have this crazy need to try and catch up on all the lost time. When I try to stay sober, it seems that I'm always reflecting on the lost time, and i have a huge disatisfaction of where my life is at. i talked with Dillon about this, but there's really not much you can do, accept try and leave the past behind and move on. I find this really hard to do the past week or so. With the nice weather I start thinking that I would like to just pack up and move somewhere, and start fresh all over. There really is nothing that I like much about Kitchener. When I was talking with Dillon the other day I mentioned this. We were in the mall, and all around was closed bussinesses, and stores for lease, and that's right downtown in the heart of things. Just nothing here financially, and it does get me discouraged thinking about it. Most people would say that I should be grateful for where I am, and what I have. I am to some degree, but far from satisfied. Sometimes it feels that the things I have accumulated are constricting, or preventing me from moving on. Sometimes I feel like I want to just leave everything and go somewhere else and start over. I'm still young enough that I could do that, and I wonder if thats what I should do. again the time plays on me, because I know I won't always be able to do that. Rightb now I'm basically just living here, keeping a nice place that I have everything I need, but real happiness. I think about Jimmy too. I want for him to have a good life and be happy. He's helped me in many ways to not get completly messed up. I know if I do that, I won't be able to care for him properly, and I won't do that. Anyway, I guess I'm just kinda reevaluating things and trying to figure out what's the best for me to do right now. I still want to get my drivers licence back. That will be a hard one I think to deal with. It's going to cost a lot of money to get it back, and the insurance is going to be incredibly high for the first year. I'm not sure if I can handle that along with this place. Might have to just rent a room to do that. That might even be good for awhile, at least in the summer I think. When I had a room before, as long as I kept busy, and did things outside, I seemed to acomplish a lot more. Having my licence would give me a lot more freedom for work, and just going places. Without it, your very restricted in what you can do. Perhaps I should make this my goal for right now. It would be so nice to just be able to go for a drive in the country. In Milton I loved doing that. Over there, it was all country around it. Nice farms and stuff. I would really like to do that again. Anyway, just thinking of stuff. I'm going to the gym today. Not going to do much with the weights. I'm very sore from the past couple of days. My legs and muscles in my chest are really sore, and painful. I think I really pushed myself too much. That seems to be a problem I have. Gotta do everything either all the way, or not at all. Anyway, off to the gym. Lord, I thank you for the sunshine, and the good things you have given me. Please help me to be thankful more, and to be able to be more comfortable with my life. Help me to not drink today, or do anything that will mess up things. Give me more strength and courage to live your way. Right now, well always, I need you very much in my life. I don't want to go back to old ways. I want to grow, learn, and find a purpose for my life that will be meaningful. Please help me in any way you see fit, and change what needs to be changed, or help me to have the courage to step into change without fear. Thank you Lord.