Took a couple of days off of everything. Just started getting overwelmed with everything. It was like all of a sudden I was overtaken by a huge disatisfaction of where I am in life. Everything became that big mountain of shit where you can't see out. Tim is gone next week. I was all for him going, but started getting scared of being alone again. Wondering if I can handle things, or even if I'm doing the right thing by keeping this apartment. Rogers is finished at the end of the month, and I have to take back there stuff. Thats a bit of a pain. I have all the stuff in a bag, accept the T.V. stuff, but it's causing some worry. If you don't have everything, they keep billing until they get it. I know I'm just worrying a bit. I seen Cathy on the weekend. 'm not sure what happened, but all of a sudden it was like I changed feelings. I started seeing that she was a little possesive. Wants me to cut out a freind on here, but I'm not doing that. She didn't say it in those words, but that's what she meant. I also see that nothing will go beyond us just going out for fun. That part is fine with me. I don't mind just having someone to do things with. I'm alright with that. I just don't see anything serious here. She's set in her ways, and the place she lives. With me, I know that my long range want would be to share more. I want someone that I can share a life with, where we help each other, and enjoy a better quality of life. That's just how I see it, so I'm still going to look. In a way, I feel like I'm trying to catch up on life. I know I can't do that, but it's something that eats me. I've wasted so much time, and money. I phoned Dillon yesterday. I'm going to go see him tomorow. I just feel out of wack with everything. I haven't gone to meetings in the past week or so. No church either. Dillon said I'm disconected, and forgetting my gratitude. Well, I think he's right. fuck this life is hard. I can be so on the ball one day, and completly off the next, wondering what the hell am I in this life for anyway. Well, I'm not backing away from anything. I'm going to face this new responsibilities with the internet service and things. I'm keeping my apartment, but then what. I want more from life than just being able to manage an apartment. Anyway, I'm a little leery of Dillon tomorow. I think he's going to give me one of his addiction motivation talks. The kind that tear down your pride and ego. He mentioned that when I talked to him. He's good at those. There the kind of talks that rip right to your sole and get you crying. Well, if thats what it takes, I'm in. All I know is I'm not on track. I'm not doing too bad, but I have drank the past couple of days. Smoked some pot too, which I rarely ever do anymore. Just didn't like what I was feeling and wanted it to go away for awhile. It's a good thing I don't have money, because I was looking last night anyway. I couldn't stand the way I was feeling. Just felt nervouse and fucked up. I feel somewhat better today. I think some of it had to do with work. I had to fill in for another guy that is off sick. Never did his job before, but I had to just jump in. It's serving customers too, so you have to be on top all the time. This other person that I replaced at this place came in to help for the day. She just moved into management, so now she thinks she's something. Started pointing out things to me. Fucking pissed me off. Here I am in a job that I don't know, getting things done the best I can, and here she comes, "Oh you should have this, and that", and saying it with a sarcastic tone. I flipped out. Not at her. I went to the chef. All he did was keep telling me not to swear. I put up with his stupidness, and that's enough. I'm not having other people from some other place come in and tell me what to do. Mayby that's pride, but there's also a time to draw the line. If she really had some real experience, she would have done the things that needed to be done. Pointing out faults is always easy, and I know from my own experience, it can also be a way of putting down someone to try and make yourself seem higher. I was a chef, and I know the ways. either work with me, or get out of the way. I got the job done well, and everything went good, but she pissed me off. I think it was good for the chef to see too. He likes trying to push my buttons, mayby now hell think. I am right about him being a jerk. He is good at his work, but still a jerk. The other girl today was telling me about a time he threw a pan of hamburgers at her. We got talking a bit about my thing yesterday, and she told me about this. Said she tried to complain, but they passed it off until nothing was done. He's a little sqrewie with his temper. Hasbn't tried too much with me. I think he knows I would just drop him. I don't want that ever to come about, but if he ever was to throw anything, or do something stupid like that, well... that's my line. I give a hundred percent cooperation and respect, but if anyone goes that rout, then it's the way it is. I think that anyone would think the same. Abuse is abuse, and it's got no place in work. Life is hard enough without going threw that at work. Anyway, things are fine right now. I'm keeping my cool. Just need to get my shit back on track. God, please help me.