Just taking it easy tonight and staying home with horney Jimmy. Actually, he's doing much better. He's stopped his cooing, and is back to his purring. He didn't really get bad at all. Tim says he was coing during the night, but I didn't hear anything. I need to get back to going to bed at a good time. I'm feeling really run down at work. i was in the freezer today, getting my baking stuff ready for the next day, and I was literally falling asleep while standing. You know somethings wrong when you start falling asleep in a freezer. There just always seems to be something that I want to do. I really think that it's living. I'm really enjoying it so much, that I want to do other things , and sleep can wait, but I know I need sleep, so I'm going to disciplin myself a little more. Aside from last night, I feel so good with this life now. It's amazing how so much seems to have changed from just trying some new things. I feel like my life is balanced now. seeing Cathy on the weekends has really made a differance. There's nothing that I feel pressure about. We both know that were freinds, but at least with me, I feel so comfortable about everything. Most of my life I was always so frightened when it came to relationships. Always so hung up on maintaining, or acquiring and making the best impression I could. Trouble with that is you end up so scared of doing anything wrong, or making mistakes. Anytime the least little thing didn't go right, I would be so hard on myself for fucking up. I find that when we visit there is no pressure at all. I've been honest with her about my past, so I really don't need to worry about anything. She knows that what she sees is just me. No bullshit, just the good James. People like me. That is so nice, and I don't need to convince them of anything. Seems most of my life, at least a good deal of it, was spent trying to convince people that I wasn't a bad person, and somewhere along the line I just gave uo, because my addictions were stronger than I was. The ways I lived contradicted with the person I really was. My wife I remember said I was like Dr Jeckle and Mr Hide. That was such a hard thing to look at,  and finally admit that it was true. I couldn't see myself the way others saw me. I had this vision of the person I thought, and wanted to be, but that's all it was. Living in an unreal world because I didn't like the person, or spirit that was controling my life. Awful, awful, awful! Well, no more, thank God. anyway, with Cathy I like that we can have a good time playing cards, or the video game she had. I've never done those things before. I wanted to, but it just never happened. I like Cathy's honesty too. Even tho she's fifty one, I can see the little girl in her that just wants to have nice things in life. Simple things, like having me over. I like that she trust me too. It's not every day that you meet a complete stranger and be able to trust them, even try to sleep with, and not for sex, but just to be with someone. Now that is God's doing. I beleive that God put her in my life for a reason. I beleive that he has put a lot of people in my life for reasons. With G, my whole life completly changed, although I didn't cooperate much with it. I think that I felt I really didn't deserve anything good at that time, although I did try hard. Still had some things that I feel I needed to go through. I needed to be convinced by that devine power. It sure couldn't have happened any other way, and I know I was beyond human help. God really is great. It amazes me looking back in hind site, the ways I know he's worked in my life. Love does have the power to heal anything, and change what needs to be changed. I feel like all that struggling is over, and it's not a pink cloud. I've thought hard about all the things that have happened since first comming to D.S. I can't explain it. I feel like I'm just drifting, ever so peaceful through life, and God is right there. Of course I sometimes get days, or nights, or both, like yesterday, but even that, I'm so glad for it. That really did teach me a lot of things that will help in the future, and the greatest thing is that once I was able to settle down, I handled it properly. That is a miracle. God, I love this journey. It's really exciting to me, and the best part is I'm happy. All my needs are being looked after. All I have to do is hold onto God, and keep walking in the ways he's telling me. I just want to go on and on. It's so nice. It is what I've always wanted. Peace, and happiness. I went to that New bakery at the corner tonight. I asked Tim to come too. He didn't have money, but I said it was on me. Inside the apartment Tim and I can have some good conversations, but I find that he anoys me when we go out somewhere. That's when he reminds me about his addiction to woman. Always has to have a comment on every girl he see's. It seems very imature to me. I'de like it better if he could just enjoy being out, instead of always fantasizing about every woman, or girl he sees. It makes me not want to be with him. There's a lot of other things about women that I prefere to see, or choose to admire other than thinking of how good she would be in bed. It makes me a little angry when guys your with do that. I can see the similarity with drug, or other addictions. It's not real, and it's especially not right wishing that you could do all kinds of things with somebody's daughter. I like doing nice things that I can have respect for them, as well as myself. With Cathy, I think that it's a wonderful thing that two grown up adults can share a closeness like we did, and be able to respect one another, and not do the things that we knew may harm our relationship. Alright, don't know why I'm writting about all this. Just got some time, and letting anything I feel come out. That's journaling!. Mayby I'm just getting old, because over the past couple of years, sex is just not a high lite with me. Of course I still enjoy it, and want it, but I find that when I care and love someone, that is when sex has some real meaning. Unless I have that, I really don't care about sex. I don't even find that word very appropiate. With G, it was great because I loved her, and cared for her, and still do. Now that was love, and it will be in my heart always. When I first married my wife, I can honestly say that I didn't love her. Back then I had no idea what love was. I remember I always felt guilty and shame after SEX. It wasn't good at all. Most of the time, well all the time, I mostly was under the influence of something. Yea, it was kinda jump on, jump off. After I would go downstairs because I felt so much guilt, but I didn't understand what was going on then. She didn't even really want to do it most of the time, but did because she thought that was what a wife was supposed to do. Neither one of us knew anything of what we were doing, or how to have, or maintain a marrige. I can just imagine the feelings she must have had with this drunk in bed, smelling like a garbage dump, supposedly making love to her. Not good, but that was back then when my addictions had controle, and I was in ignorence to anything. Alright, that's enough for now. I wonder if this is kinda an inventory. It really feels like it. Who knows, it may be just God's way of helping me. I beleive so. I tried inventories a few times over the years, back when I really beleived most people in A.A, and had a lot more trust, or was it just being gulible? Anyway, I'm sure that God knows that I'm not so trusting in that sense anymore, and perhaps this is his way of clearing things. I'm finding that it does help in many ways. I can reflect on things that for years bothered me. At times just by writting about things I seem to find things that help me to resolve a lot of those inner conflicts that I've struggled with so many years. I sometimes feel more freedom and peace after writting out, just whateverb I'm feeling. In a way, I look at it as a way of talking with my spirit, or the spirit of God. I enjoy that. Anyway, I'm really going this time. I know I need some sleep, but at times like this I just want to go on and on. I feel so good. Thank you so much Lord. Please look after us all. Help us to find you, and our way's. Help us all to experiance your love, and to be able to share it with others. Thank you, Amen.