Today was a good day. just accepting life with all it entails. No high, no low, just living, and doing what I need to do. Work went well, although I was very tired. Had a hard time getting to sleep last night. Just my mind doing a little overtime. i find I don't get mad when that happens. No point in it. All that seems to do is ensure that you won't sleep. Talked with G last night. I feel so sorry for what she's going through. Lucy died the other day, and she wants to have her cremated so she can have her ashes. I tyink that's a very good thing for her. Lucy was her baby, and I understand that she wants to always have a part of her. It's really so sad when these things happen, but that's life. what can you do? The hard part right now is that she's keeping Lucy's body in her car until she can get the money to do it. That must be so hard seeing your best freind there everyday, and not being able to do anything more. It's too bad that the place couldn't be a bit more compassionate and just do the cremation, but then that's life again. For much of life, it's money first. Such a sad world we live in. She is handling it well tho. She knows she's doing what she can. Although she drank when it happened, she doesn't want to continue that, which is good. I know sometimes we can have something happen, and you just need that time out. Lot's of people have so much to say about that, but they don't know. Should never judge anyone, or how they choose to deal with their pain. Your not in their shoes, and you don't know their pain. The best we can do is sympathize, but we don't know. I'm really proud of her, and I think she's dealing with it well. She's a woman that loves and feels, more so than others could ever come close too, even tho she tries to appear tough. There's times when i will need times out. Pain is sometimes a very hard thing to deal with, especially when it involves someone close to you. Anyway, I am really honoured that I have her as my freind. The world needs more people like her. So the chef will leave early tomorow, so I get to do his job. That's alright. I know I can do it well, and I will. Actually I think this is helping all around. They see I do my work well, and I can be counted on when they need me. I think that this is God's way of taking care of the things that were bothering me. Tonight I just stayed home. I was just too tired, and needed a time out. I fell asleep as soon as I got home for a couple hours. After I just did some cleaning and puttering around. Tim and I have been having some good talks lately. I'm not preocupied anymore, or concerned about what he does. I know he has his own path, and it's not up to me to change that. He may just need some experiences that could help him later. He knows that the rule is don't use here, and not around me. I think he is respecting that, and I'm not worried about him. We talk at times about all kinds of things. Mostly recovery, and what our days are like. I really do like Tim. Tonight gave me some time to think. We have talked a bit about his past growing up with his father, and his fathers verbally and agresive ways with him. I think what Tim mostly has trouble with is learning to let go of that stuff. I think he still very much lives with his fathers put downs, and still beleives them, although he does try to find solutions. I think that this is why he still prefers fantasy over reality. He learned that when he was a child. It was his way of escaping the hurt he felt, and was too young to know what to do. To him reality is painfull, as it can be for all of us. I feel compassion for him, because I know how hurtfull that is. I hope that he finds a way, other than drugs or his other means. He really is a good person. Just doesn't beleive it because those voices still controle him. Mayby by us being together is God's way of helping the both of us. If I can, I will help him as the need arises. He does listen when I talk. I talked to Cathy too today. That was nice, and a releif. I tried phoning yestersday a few times, but was only able to leave messages. Of course my head started playing, and telling me all kinds of things. It was sayingf, "You jerk. Of course she thinks your an asshole for sleeping with her on your second date. " I was thinking that she was ignoring my calls on purpose because she didn't want to see me anymore. I felt like I stupidly messed up another oportunity to be with someone. It went on and on. I tried using what I've been learning about this, but it was hard, and didn't help much. I told myself of what really happened. She invited me to bed, and we didn't get sexual. We still tried to be proper about all this, but I thought I had failed for not going home in the first place. I told myself that we did try, but the truth is that were human, and we have emotions that sometimes take over. Neither one of us did anything bad or wrong, but I felt bad still. Getting the phone call helped. I told her that I was sorry. She laughed because she said it was her that invited me to her bed. Anyway, it's better now. Seems funny, but fighting those thoughts and voices that just wait for chances like this to jump in and beat you up so you think you have to drink or get high, can be tough. Anyway, it is easier now that I'm aware of it. This taught me tho that it still isn't the cure all, and there will be hard days. Thank you Lord for being with me. Thank tyou for Georgette too, and take care of her. Bring her all the peace and happiness she deserves, and help her get through this tough time. Thank you God, for being God. Thank you for loving us all so much.