Tonight I seem to be having some growing pains. I cried a little when I found out that Lucy was dying. Feel helpless because I'm in another part of the world and I can't do anything or be there. I"m finding that often with people that I'm involved with on this site. There usually in the States, and it's differant for me not being able to do more than I can. I know I need to accept that, because I can't do anything or be there. I find it hard tho. My mind tonight started drifting to the things I'm dealing with at work. Today I was working and it was bussier than usual because of the cold. People didn't weant to go out, so the food went faster. The other day I suggested to the chef, instead of throwing away whole pizzas because they don't sell for whatever reason, freeze them instead. He did take my suggestion, and today we were able to sell what would have just went in the garbage. It was a good thing, and I felt good that he went with my suggestion, but today also we ran out of the main entree, which was some Mexcican wrap that he cooks in the oven. He put more in the oven, but it would take a half hour that way. People wanted it, and were willing to wait a little, but I'm sure not a half hour. So, knowing he would give me shit, I put the customer first. That is our job. What we were preparing could be easily done in the microwave. So I took some out and did it. The customers were happy. We made sales, but still I went ahead with my way, the way I know as a chef, the way I know I would do it, but I still got shit. Didn't bother me much because I already knew that it would hit his chef Ego. He said, "We don't cook with microwaves." Now, microwaves have been a part of the cooking industry for a long time. They have uses that can be utilized by any cooking bussiness. As a matter of fact, I don't think I have ever been in a place that doesn't use them at times. They even have microwaves at work so if the people want they can bring there lunch and heat it up. Now I have been learning, and doing well with humility there. I have humbled myself to being his cook, but I found this hard to go with. I know all kinds of things I would like to tell him, off the record of course. All this seems to me is somebody thats very scared of anyone being able to, or knowing how to do something that can help the bussiness. He seems more scared about anyone else, other than him being able to do something. He tries his best to make you think, or he's convincing himself that you dobn't know anything. It really doesn't matter what he thinks or does. I know what I can do. My past is proof enough for me. I know where I've been, and what I've done. I guess I'm just finding this being humble isn't always easy. I know the truth is that I went ahead and did what I know he would not want me to do. Do I owe him an apology?????? Yea, I do. No matter what I know, or how much I have done, I'm there as a cook, expected to work under his supervision and direction. I took over the show, and used my own initiative, which I was never asked to do. This really kinda sucks, but I guess if we expect to change and grow, we need to do things differant. All my great thinking, and the ways I did things before always got me drunk or high. If I was to tell him anything, he's human. He seems to have a lot of disguised fear, that I see clearly. what I did was overstep my boundries, and in a way, challenged him. I guess. Doesn't make a whole lot of sense to me, but the fact is I took my own initiative, which I knew I wasn't supposed to do. I would rather just show him that he was wrong, but that's one of my old ways. I'll apologize, but ya know, might be the right thing, but it doesn't feel good. Feels completly fucked up, but I guess it's supposed to. I just needed to write this to vent it, look at it, and try to see what I should do. I feel a little angry about it. It's the kind of anger that used to keep me up alnight, just thinking about what I would say in the morning, and by that time I'de be so worked up, and have a whole big scenario going on. I remember those nights all to well. Needed a drink or to get high just to celebrate my victory. I'll apologize. Thank you God, even tho I really don't feel thankful, but I'm sure that will come. Thank you.