Today was so easy at work. I got there and the chef already had everything done except the muffins. I don't know what time he got there, but it must have been early. The rest of the day I spent walking in circles trying to figure out what I could do. He had a Dr's apointment so he was leaving early. i really think he has some control issues, but that's not my problem. If he wants me to do nothing, then thats what I'll do. It really is weird there. I've always been one to work my ass off, but not at this place. I thought a few times that it was becausev he doesn't trust anyone to do stuff. I thought of how I normally would get mad and tell him off about it, but I thought of the things I read in that book yesterday. The stuff about the inner talking that we do. That's been a big part of my problem with keeping sober. Since reading the book, I can see when the talk in my head is getting out of line. Before I would just keep it going until I got so worked up, that something had to happen. I didn't understand it, or know that I could shut it off. It always sounded right to me. Anyway, I'm very happy with this revelation. It really helped me so much today. I came home feeling really good. I still have that desire to stay sober. I'm trying to get good things in me now too. I went to the Market and got some coconut milk, and bananas, peeled some fresh carrots, and oranges, and got some eggs. Put it all in a blender, and not bad. I know it's rich in stuff that's good for me. I want my body back in shape again. I still feel sore a lot, but nothing really to worry about, but I was reading another book about nutrition, and how that affects addicts. I'm not going gung ho, but I think drinking a couple of these shakes a day is going to do a lot of good. I want to quit smoking too, but thats down the road still. I don't want to start getting too nuts. Easy does it. Besides, I'm not sure I want the agravation yet of quiting smoking. That one will be a little dificult, but I'll leave it alone for now. I'm just happy that my body is healing as it should, my mind is slowly comming around, and I'm eating good. I work out very mildly right now, and I do my stuff at work. Thats alright for now. Later when I feel better, I'll look at other things. Going to C.A. tonight. I was going to go to the church. They have a prayer meeting, but I think I'm not ready for that yet. I also think that I need to be around some familiar people. I seen Dillon today, just to say helo. That was nice. I like talking to him. He understands when I tell him things that others in recovery would just laugh about because they don't know. I was telling him about the things I was learning about the inner talking. I told him that that's mostly what has sent me back out so much. That voice in my head that keeps telling me, "I'm no good. Your never going to make it." and other things. It constantly seemed to beat thwe hell out of me about every little thing I ever did wrong. I'm starting to learn about it, and understand how it has played me. I realized today that I can controle that, and I don't have to let it beat me up no more. The book I read refered to it like running from a bully in school. If we do that we always are running and living in fear of it. By facing our bullies, we start realizing that we don't have to run or be afraid of it anymore. When we run, it's to booze or drugs usually, but by facing those things and learning we can controle it, we get stronger. Seems like such a simple thing that as adults we should know by now, but I didn't, and it's helping me a lot right now. Dillon was happy, and said that I was sponsoring myself, and you know he's right. That sponsor I got, I tried phoning him just to talk one night. The phone call only lasted no more than thirty seconds. The next time I seen him at a meeting, he walked right by me without saying helo. If I were to tell him about this stuff he probably would tell me, like others do, go read the big book. A lot of help that does when your heads playing with you, and you don't know what to do. I'm still going to meetings, but I'm watching my own ass too. I'm the one that will die if I go back out, not them. Anyway, it's a good day. Thank you Lord.