Well, today has been better. My mind, body, and emotions are still going through changes. I went to the library yesterday and got some books on addictions. One is really good right now. It explains all the stages of everything. Has a lot of good information about nutrition, diets, and other things that affect our addictions. It's interesting, but a little overwhelming. I'm taking it a little at a time. My head can't handle too much without getting overloaded and frustrated. I think before I did that a lot, and I ended up drinking or using because of the frustration of not being able to do things like I used to do. I want everything right now, but it doesn't work that way. I need to remember the beating I put my body through. It takes time to heal. Even now I feel like an old man at times. All these aches and pains that bother me. It's getting better, but slowly. My mind is still fuddled, even tho I think I should be alright. I never payed attention to it before, but I am now. I still can't get paragraphs on here for some reason. Oh well. I kept my promise to myself and went to the church today. I'm so glad I did. I've missed that spirituality so much. The tears started comming to my eyes the first song. I just wanted to let them go, but I held back as best I could. The church is Pentacostal, like I was taught in the treatment center I went to. It was like having a taste, or being back in a world that I've been away drom so long. I'm going again tonight. At the end they ask people to come up if they want to be prayed for. I went right away. The lady asked me what I wanted, and I told her, freedom from addictions and to be back with God. She asked if I wanted to surender to God. I was apprehensive, but she was so direct that I realized I was making excuses and only prolonging what I want. She was good. She didn't leave anyway out, and it was so easy to just say yes. Accept God right now, and deal with the rest as it comes. I like that. I'll still go to A.A. because I feel I need everything I can get, but it made me think after. One step, or twelve steps. I want God, and I want to stop pissing around. I filled out a form, so I guess they will contact me soon. I'm going to throw myself into it the best I can. I don't want my old life no more. I want a new life, and if this is the way, so be it. What have I got to lose? My old life will kill me anyway. I loved the peace I felt before when I was growing with God. It was so good, but then I strayed away. It's not so easy getting back. It's very hard I find, but I know what the old life wants to do with me. I still don't feel connected with God, or real spirituality yet, but I'm willing to do the work to get it. It's simple to me. Do I want to die, or live. If I keep on going with relapses, one day I just won't make it back, and I know that. Anyway, I'm happy about it, and I feel I'm making the right decision for sure. I came home and told Tim the drugs have to stop right now. I apologized for myself too, but I told him no more. He tried denying it, but I know. Today I was vacuming the carpet and I found a peice of Brilo on the carpet. I told him about it, but he said it wasn't his. Sure as hell wasn't mine, because my stuff went in my veins, and there was no Brilo. Anyway, he did agree about no drugs, so thats good. I didn't get mad or anything, but it surprised me that he denied it. Mayby he really thinks that. I don't know. Anyway, we do get along pretty good. The more I talk open to him, and stay clean, it seems the better we both do. Anyway, it's the way it has to be. I was looking around at everything here, and if I had to leave it all to save myself, I'm ready. I almost wish I were in treatment. It would sure be easier to deal with things, but I think about when it comes time to leave and starting all over again. Your thinking might have changed, but the world is still the same. Need a job, need a place, have to pay bills, and they add up when your there. I don't have it bad so if I can keep trying, mayby things will work out in time. I hope. If not, I will go to treatment again, but for now I think I'm on the right path. Thank you Lord. Thank you.