Today went well at work. Still getting caught eating things I shouldn't, but I do pay for it. I should ask before, but it's an old habit that I need to work on. Doing what I want, instead of following rules. It's always been one that I've had. I don't mind paying for the stuff, but I will start asking before I have stuff. I thought about it today, and I can see how it does cause problems. People start to view you as sneaky, and nobody trust a sneaky person. I want to be trusted, and for people to respect me, so this defect has to go imediatly. Following rules, and doing what I should do, and what I'm told to do. is going to be my number one defect that I'm starting to work on now. Actually, I thought about these things a lot today because of my situation with Tim. Tim isn't home now, and I find that a good thing. I feel a little uptight when he's aqround, especially when I'm aware of his porn addiction, and I think that is what it is. I think about the whole situation, the things I notice he does to hide it and stuff. It's really no differant than when I drink or use drugs. The lieing, conning, manipulation and dishonesty are all the same. It's not him as a person that I dislike, it's the reactions of the sickness that I hate. I can love the person, but I can also hate the sickness, and that is what I do. I still treat him nicely, and I haven't brought up anything to embaress him. At some point I know we will talk about it. At times I feel like kicking him out, but I don't think that's necessary right now. Actually it is teaching me things and prompting me to look at myself and see how I affected others too. Being sneaky really does have a big impact on you, your life, and those around you.. I think it's really nothing most times, but it is something that really does have negative consequences. With Tim, I do like him. He does have some good things about him, but this thing with the porn does affect any type of relationship concerning freindship between us. By seeing him trying to be sneaky yesterday has affected my trust in him. He obviously knew it was wrong, and that he shouldn't be doing it, otherwise he wouldn't have had to try and hide it like he did. He knows I don't approve of it, and that I am totally against it, but he did it anyway. What that's saying to me is, "Fuck you and your morals and rules, I'm going to do it anyway." I've done the same thing in the past so many times, with many things. I can see how it affected people now. We think at the time, it's just a little thing, and it doesn't matter, but it does. It affects trust, and how people treat you. By what Tim did, at first it was just I want to see some girls, but then he needed to plan it. Knowing it was wrong, he locks the door for privacy for what he knows is wrong. It startsd a whole cycle of things. It obviously caused him to feel embaressed, and afraid of being caught. Then it caused him to lie about what he was into on line. I'm not sure if he knows that I knew, but I imagine he has a good idea that I know. I took his privleges off the computer, so now he can't get into it. I haven't said a word yet. I know from my own experience that keeping quiet can have a much more profound affect. I imagine he tried getting on the computer today, but found he couldn't. That can really get the mind going, and it's exactly the affect I want. I want him to feel bad about it. He should feel bad for doing what he did. We all need to experience the consequences of our actions, otherwise we don't change. I'm not sure if this will bring about change in him, and quite frankly I don't really care about that. What I do care about is my peace of mind, which this has affected. There are certain things that I need to be responsible about so that I can enjoy my life. Things like this may seem small, but I find that letting all those little things acumulate eventually has an affect on our lives. By taking care of the  small things we can have the energy, and abilty to properly handle bigger problems when they arise. I think that I am handling it well. Yes, it's anoying, but it isn't something that I'm not letting build up, or take up room in my head. By writting, like I'm doing, I find that my spirit is able to think clearly. And yes I do like to analyze a bit. To me it can be a good way to learn things about myself, and others. To me, that is what I use my journal to do. It's a time when I can get in tune with my spirit, and look at anything that's going on in my life at the moment. Journaling is a good thing for me. I need that quiet time to look at myself and what I'm doing. I really like it, and find most times, I do get answers that help me to deal with things. Instead of just reacting, I can take the time to talk with myself, and God. I used to think that we actually needed to hear a voice from God to be spiritual, but I find it's not that way at all. Sometimes God works through people you meet, and we should never close our minds completly to others. You just might miss what God wants you to hear. I know I can sometimes have a hard time doing that. You see someone that you assume is just a jerk, and you close your mind, but later realize that you were competly wrong. This happens so much to me. I assume things without knowing anything at all. Sometimes I get a laugh when I realize that I'm doing it. Most of my life I thought I was so smart. I remember I use to even think I could tell things about people, just from the look on their faces. When I was drinking, this was a real problem, but I had no idea about it. I remember even getting violent at times, just because of the way I interpreted looks on people. Complete craziness. Makes me laugh when I think of some of those situations, and what people must have thought at the time. Well, I am enjoying my sobriety now. It is very nice not to be uterly insane. I'm still a little nuts, but that's alright. At least I know it. I have a philosophy about this. I don't trust people that think they are, "Normal." I find that you have to watch those ones, and usually you never get to know a thing about them. People that know their crazy are alright. At least they know their crazy, which is the first step to getting better. By knowing that it was my great thinking that took me into the world of drugs and alcohol, and through all those awful experiences, I have no doubts that my thinking is not normal. What a blessing knowing that is. It gives you a tremendous amount of freedom by accepting that. That's why I feel so comfortable in A.A. meetings. Those people know they are crazy people, that are trying to get better. What a wonderful thing. It truly is. Thank you so much, Lord that I am able to accept my craziness which allows me to learn, and to want to grow and change, and to love myself. Thank you.