Today not feeling great spiritually. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. Kinda taking an inventory of all the time that's gone by since I studied about God. I've been feeling like I want to make a true effort and commitment with God. Since learning about him, I haven't really given myself to him. I still wanted to try other things in life(My way.) and it just doesn't work. I think things could be so much simpler if I just commit. I don't like all those negative emotions that always come when I stray from God. I'm really getting tired of it. Depression, worry, fear and anger all seem to come. When I follow his ways I find a lot of peace. I miss that right now. I've been out of tune with God for some time. I think that it's time for a real change. I'm going to throw myself into it again. I need to. Lately I've been having a lot of that old feeling of not being loved, or having any love in my life. It not a good feeling. I think that now it's getting closer to Xmas I'm feeling it more. At work I heard some Xmas music. I like it, but I hate it too. It makes me think back to when I was younger with my family. Those times seemed so good. My mother always just sat humming to the tunes, and our family always got together. Holiday times seemed so special and I looked foreward to them. I dread them now. I admire people I see talking about the holidays, and making plans. I get sad sometimes. I remember buying gifts for my wife and kids, and really trying to make everything special. I would go all out. I loved making the dinners, staying up the night before Xmas and wrapping the gifts, and then getting up early so I could see the looks on my kids faces. They were happy times that meant something. It doesn't mean much to me now. Just a day that I hope would end, and the sooner the better. Alright, I know I'm getting into self pity I guess, but hard not to. I try to be happy, and make my life good so I can have happiness, but it's really getting tireing. I need to hang on to that one little fiber of hope that there will be happy times like that again. I want that so much. God, if your listening and hear me, please just answer this one prayer. All I ask you from life is to be happy. To love and be loved. Don't ever let me be overcome by the feeling of not being loved. Thank you. Amen.