Things have been going alright, but that's it. seems kinda boring life  and ways, but I guess thats the way it is. Even tho it may seem boring now, I am enjoying the time now with just me, and Jimmy too. He livens things up at times. Last night he started going crazy by the book shelf. He started pulling everything out from the bottom shelf. I thought he lost his new toy and was trying to get it, so I started trying to help him, but couldn't find anything. Jimmy was going nuts tho. Started trying to get behind the shelf. I thought he was just being nuts, but after awhile I noticed he had swomething. Little bugger had a mouse. i patted him, and rubbed him and told him how good he was. He was really proud. He's a good cat for here. I think because it's cold now the mice have come in. I set the traps out and caught four since yesterday. They haven't been into anything or caused any problems, but it's good to get rid of them now. Last time it only took about two weeks, and then they weren't around. Have to expect that in these rentals. i keep my place clean, but the guys downstairs don't. There all bachelors, and they leave all kinds of shit around. I seen the fridge the other day. Glad I'm not there. When I lived down there I cleaned everything. I can't live like that no matter what. When I die, I want the place clean, and have clean underware on. I'de be embbaressed to die down there. Anyway, I have to go. Get back to this later. Thank you Lord, for a nice clean place, and clean underware. i used Downy on them. They smell so good....I just want to stop and smell them all the time. And people think I'm weird. Them underware never5v smelled so good, for the twenty five years I had them. Geeze!   Anyway, although it may seem boring now, i am finding that i can still be alright. i look for the humour in everything, and that helps. it's nice not to be so sreious about everything. For so long I've been struggling with everything it seems, and not having a lot of fun. I can use all the fun I can get. It feels so good to smile. I'm getting my little bounce back when I walk to, so I must be feeling much better. I am very glad for that. Talking to my freind last night made me feel good. I've kinda been taking a little breather from things, and just letting things be. I like that a lot right now. I can go about things and concentrate on what I need to be doing, and not worry about it. For a long time I started getting into a habit of analyzing everything. Don't know why we seem to like doing that. I know it's wrong, and only results in feeling bad, but when things seem to hurt.... that seems to cause me to question things. I question myself, God and everything under the sun, and it leaves me not feeling good at all. I end up angry, depressed, frustrated and all kinds of differant things that don't feel good. I like this way so much better. Just enjoying talking, and feeling love for her just is a lot nicer. I guess that's called staying in the moment. So many things we can bring up about the past, and analyze the hell out of it, but it's really useless energy that leaves me feeling bad. I would rather be playing with Jimmy, or doing something fun. Jimmy is good to have fun with. He's a happy cat. he's forever purring, and ready to fight, or play. He gets me laughing often. I guess what I'm feeling is just being comfortable with myself, and life in general. Thats a good sign. I don't feel a need or desire to go to meetings. Sometimes I just like to go to be with others that are trying to live differant, and talk about the things they dtruggle with. Sometimes you hear something that just changes your perspective about something, and allows you a little more freedom to be at peace with life. I think that's what most of us really want, but have hard times trying to hold onto it. Emotions and feelings are really interesting I find. They can make, or break you, but we can learn ways that help us to live with them, and not allow them to run us, and our lives. It all comes down to looking at the ways we deal with them. We can controle our thoughts, and find ways so our lives do become manageble, and enjoyable. What a treat that is. To actually enjoy life, and look foreward to each day. I try to go through my day's and look for the oportunities that god gives me to grow. Things I used to get mad about with people, become oportunities now that can help me grow. I do enjoy most things that come my way. Sometimes it's hard, and I forget all the things I have learned, and end up feeling bad, but even this is goodi I need to feel those things, everything, so I can get better for the nextime. Life is really good when we cooperate with God. All we really have to do is learn to listen. That is the main key to freedom. Most of the time we spend countless hours thinking useless things. All through the day we are constantly bombarded with all sorts of information. Self talk is another thing that can be bothersome. It can be a habit too that can rob us of freedom and peace. I'm famouse for self talk. I try to keep it possitive tho. it can be a funny thing trying to learn to controle. When I'm at work, I mostly just keep my thoughts to myself, which is a good thing. If I were to say most of what goes through my head, I would be getting in shit all the time. I would also be hurting the feelings of others that would also make me feel bad afterwards. I beleive strongly that if you haven't anything good to say about someone, you should keep your mouth shut. Lots of times in the past, it felt good saying the things I felt like saying, but most times i was sorry after, and then you can't take it back. Once those words are out, you can't take them back. Even tho you may apologize, or try to corect things, once you say something, people remember no matter what. You can spend your whole life being a saint, but all it takes is one bad thing in a second, and you can really do damage. In the Bible it talks about the tongue and the power it has. It says the tongue has both the power to destroy, or to build up. We can tear people up and destroy them with our words, but we can also build them up and do so much good with the words we choose. There's also one scripture that says, " Be quick to listen, and slow to speak." I've found that these are things that are a must for us to know. Through my growing up years I had a lot of dificulty with feelings of shyness, and awkwardness. I had no idea about what feelings were. Didn't even know I had them, at least what I have come to know now about them. Back then I either felt bad or good. Wasn't much in between. At some point I learned that you can have power by the way you spoke, or acted. If you got mad and acted out, people acted differant, and it seemed to give me contrle. Problem was that after using this power, it creates a barrier to any kind of intimacy, or closeness with people. For many years it didn't seem to bother me, but eventually I lost some relationships with people I cared about. I didn't think much about it, and thought I could live with it, but I'm not sure if it was age or what, but I started seeing that getting angry was mostly a bad thing, especially the reactions. Like drugs and alcohol, anger can be something we get addicted to. Sure, it is an emotion that we all have, and feel at times, but it's our reactions and choices we make that we need to controle. In the Big Book there is a part that tells us that we must avoid anger and resentments. They are the two top things that can destroy us and cause relapse. I truly beleive this from personal experience. When these two things get out of controle we don't feel good. We make wrong decisions because of them. it can, and usually does xcause a lot of damage. Anger can have some useful things also. It can be used as a warning sign that something is out of place that needs our attention. It can be a sign that perhaps we may want to work on patience or tollerance. It's important for us to learn, and pay attention to our emotions, keeping in mind that mostly acting on them, and letting them have control of us, is what caused us many problems. I need to be open to new ways of dealing with them. My old ways obviously didn't work, and to keep doing the same things, will only bring the same results. I need to be willing to do things, that even at times may not make sense to me, no matter what I feel. I have tried this many times in the past, and with practise it does work. This is actually the exact way that the bible teaches. To live God's ways, first you learn the words of God, and his ways. That gives you the knowledge to diferentiate between whats right and wrong, and nothing to do with your feelings. Christians try to follow God by doing what's said in the bible, no matter what. They beleive it because God says so. When things don't line uo, or contradict the Bible. then it's just not right. That's also where faith develops, by doing something that may not make sense, or runs contrary to your own thinking, you need to go by faith. The more you do it, the more your faith developes. I had a tape that I bought at an A.A. convention and it said the same thing. It told about the person having a sponsor, and he needed the sponsor to guid him in the right ways. He greatest thinking obviously only got him to A.A.and all but destroyed him, so he knew that he couldn't trust his own thinking. He needed the sponsor to tell him things of what to do. We all need this type of guidance. He told something about if his sponsor was to tell him the sky was purple, then he needed to be able to just accept it. No questions, just a complete willingness to accept, and not fight. It can be a hard thing to do, but a good learning tool that teaches us about perceptions. He said although he stood looking, and saw things differant, he saw the sky blue, he had to be willing to just say, "Alright. The sky is purple." No arguing or fighting or trying to prove himself, just a willingness to listen and follow. We all often do that. People tell us things, but because it doesn't line up with the way we see things, our perception, we tend to discount it as being wrong, but with an open mind we can say, " Well, perhaps I'm not right." And then just try it. There is much freedom by surendering. We often think of it as a weakness, or we get afraid that if we let go of our controle it just can't possibly work out right. Life is good, and it does get better the more we apply these things to our lives. It's really simple, but boy can we complicate things. Knowledge... can really be a hinderance, and take away from our growth, when we allow it. Such good things we learn, but putting them in use can be hard. All we can do is try. When we fall, get right back up and try again. I often watch my cat. You can learn so much from watching animals, and their ways of living. I often think that they have much better ways. They don't have the great knowledge that we seem to think is so important. They do what they need to do without analyzing everything. They know who they are. A cat doesn't try to be a dog, and a dog doesn't try to be a cat. People are the craziest things on this earth. They try to be anything, and everything except who they really are. it's our fears that prevent us of being who we re really are. Fears about, " What if they don't like me, Or," if they really knew me." Yes, we are complicated creatures, of our own doing, and making. G.O.D. Good Orderly Direction. Many ways to do this. May we all find ours. Thank you, Lord. Amen