Today was a good day. Work went well. Still trying to just stay focused on my work, and not thinking I have to be so perfect and trying to controle things. It is much easier that way. I'm not the chef. I'm a cook, and that's what my job is. I'm glad that I'm around food. It's helping me to east better. The other day when we were moving stuff I seen a scale and weighed myself. It was 151lbs. The same weight that I was when I had my surgery. I thought I would have gained more by now. I've been eating a lot better to get back some weight, but it's the same. I guess it will take some time still. At least i feel better tho. The depresion seems to have gone. That's a good thing. Still could use a gym to work out, but that still needs some time. I went to my apointment with Alex today. I told him that I was tired of A.A, and hearing the same stuff all the time. For years I've gone to A.A. I do really like it, and it has lots that You can learn from. It has helped me with so much, but just going to meetings doesn't keep me sober. I've learned that the, "Cure" is not meetings, although they help. Recovery is a decision, and comes about by the decisions we learn to make throughtout our lives. Alex said it's not to wise to cmpletly not go, but also going to too many can be frustrating and lead to complacency. I agree wholy with that. I think I'm going to go to one a week. I like the one on Tuesdays on Weber Street. It's just a small one, but it has older fellows that I like listening too. They mostly seem like they have a lot of plain wisdom that I really like. I seem to be doing good with adding people to my life that are serious about recovery. It's not a lot, but it is helping very much. I try to avoid people that are negative, or seem like their on pink clouds. I seem like I'm at a point where I am just taking time to evaluate my whole situation, and how I've lived in the past. The choices and decisions that I've made, or not made in the past. Spent a lot of time spinning my wheels, and going in circles it seems, and I want to stop that. I want to get a firm foundation, or direction for my life. I want to be doing something differant, have some direction, and not seem like I'm just living life trying to just get through it. I want to look into things that will give me a sense of purpose, and usefullness and be creative. I know that I have many talents that i'm not useing, or don't know how to devlope. I want to be happy. I know that it's very possible. Since discovering recovery, I have experienced various times where I have been at total peace, along with many other good things that come with living a life of sobriety. For myself, I've noticed over the years that through relationships I find a lot more happiness, peacefullness, having more of a sense of purpose in my life, along with many other positive things. As far as recovery it has been outright good for me having another that I can care for. I do know that recovery, and sobriety do not come about from this alone, but for myself I've noticed that it does help tremendously. I think that having a close relationship with another is an important factor for us as humans. Love is a thing that we all need. God never created us to be alone. It's just a fact of life. I've experienced life without love, mostly these time were a direct result of drinking, and living apart from my spirit. It was a very miserable existance. I have learned that Love, does have amazing powers to bring about changes in our lives. As humans we can die without love. I've read articles about studies of babies that were denied physical, and emotional love, and how even animals literally die without the nurtuering love of the mother. Getting to know God, applying his ways, and accepting them, learning to be unselfish in our ways, brings a person much happiness, peacefullness and contentmeant. I have experienced this, and I do know that it works. I have found that God is faithfull to all he says, when we alloow it. that has been a hard thing for me. Complete surender has been hard for me. I don't know if it's because of our nature, stuborness, or just wanting to do things our own ways, but it's something I definetly need to work on more. Seems really so foolish when I think about it. Such a small, simple thing that brings so much to us. Peace, joy, freedom, happiness, contentment, sobriety, ect..., but I fight it. Am I retarded or something? No. Just a human, that has a nature unfortunatly. I am going to work on recovery, and I will have someone in my life that will love me, and allow me to love them. This is going to be a goal for me, in some time. All my life I have always wanted just a few things. To be happy, to be loved, and be a good person. Just three things. god, Please teach me. Amen, and thank you. Well, I'm very tired now. Can't type or focus on what I'm writting. Goodnight!