Things are finally settling down and getting some order to it. I'm very thankfull for that. I hate those times when everything is such a struggle. I know we need these things to build our character, but it can really seem like hell when we allow our emotions to run wild. Not good at all. Now looking back at it. What have I learned? Well for one thing, alcohol and drugs do not help in anyway. It only complicates things and increases my inabilty to deal with things. Emotions and thoughts are intensified. Peace and contentment go out the door. Worry, fear, anger and depressing thoughts take over. Over the past couple of days I have thought a lot about recovery and how I have been going about it over the years. I think that it's time to really start taking a differant aproach. My main form of recovery has been mostly based around A.A. for many years. At times I seem to have come so close, but have never had any real or substantial sobriety. A.A. is a great program for recovery. It does help many people, but I need to start searching something differant. A.A. has taught me a lot of very good things. Some of them have greatly improved many aspects of my life, and allowed me to deal much better with many things, but as far as recovery, it's time to look at the fact that it does not work for me. I've been reading some things that explain this. There are many things, and ways that people do find recovery, and they vary from person to person. We can learn, and use the many differant tools that are taught in recovery programes, but as far as actual sobriety without relapse we need to look inside ourselves, and sometimes admit that it just doesn't work for us. I wish it would, but honestly looking at things i know it's not working for me. I have tried, and tried, and tried only to meet another relapse sooner, or later? Why is that?. I have tried spirituality, I have searched very hard for God, and to develope a relationship with God, but still have struggled with relapse. Dillon and I have talked about this. He's mentioned the concepts of recovery a lot. I have thought much about this. It's really nothing differant about A.A, or any other recovery groups. Actually, it is the exact thing they are about and teach. Many programes are based basically around the twelve steps, and what was written in the big book, but not many people really know about the concepts. The concepts are really what recovery is, without all the frills that can be distracting and confusing. Differant interpretations, points of view, and opinions, often get us side tracked and confused to the point that eventually we giveup out of frustration. The concepts can be aplied to any form of addiction, or type of recovery. It's basically a very simplified, and direct aproach. Most of the time that I have relapsed, it was during times that I felt complacent, or that I just felt I was getting nowhere. Many times I tried finding good sponsrs, that I hoped would help me. I needed them to show, and take me through  the steps, and other things that I felt were intended to bring me to sobriety. I see now that many of them just did not really know how to do it, or properly teach i. This is in no way an effeort to blame, it's just the way it was. For myself, I need someone that really knows what they are doing.In the past all I ever seemed to acomplish was just spinning my wheels, and not getting anywhere. eventually i would drink or use. When we watched that Video last week, It was a profesor, and all he really did was explain the steps, and how we are to go through them. It really was so simple. I remember times in the past where I have atempted working the steps. Simple things would completly stump me,where I felt like it was overwhelming me even to think about it. Sometimes I couldn't even start it, because I wanted to do it right. The sponsors I had mostly just repeated all the things you hear in A.A. They had all the phrases and talk you here around recovery, but they weren't able to show, or lead me in the right ways, even tho they tried in sincere earnestness. They just did not know, as with many people in recovery. When I talk with Dillon it is so much more differant. It's like he's taking about A.A, the Big Book, the steps, the traditions, the how you work it, but without the talk of A.A. When he describes a step, he simply just tells you about it, and how you do it. I really like this way, and I feel that it's what i need. I read another article today that says all what I'm trying to say here. It said exactly the same thing, that sometimes there are many people that go to various recovery groups. They become almost habitual relapsers. it also said that we shouldn't blame the programes, or ourselves because of it, but what we do need is to take responsibility for our recovery. That part really jumped out at me. Many times we can think a paticular thing, or program will get us recovery, but recovery needs to start with our being responsible for it. We need to make this choice. I am the one that will need to make the final decisions about my recovery. I need to look at what might be working, and what's not, and not just go with things. Too often i have done this. Sometimes I felt unjust guilt and went along because I didn't want to offend anyone by questioning them. No, recovery is my responsibility. Lord, thank you for this fresh start. I thank you for Dillon, and what he is offering to me. Direct me in your ways. Help me to be the person you intended me to be. Thank you. Amen.