Oh God, do I feel good again tonight. i was going to go to an A.A. meeting, but thought I would stop in the Center again to see if Dillon was still there. He was, and I spent about two and a half hours with him. What a wonderful person. We kind of had our own little meeting. We talked a lot about recovery, and the things that I've been struggling with all my life. He asked me to watch a video about the steps. It was done by a professor that does nothing but study it, and teach it. For years I have had many sponsors in A.A., and this isn't anything to put A.A. down or anything, but the truth is that there are a hell of a lot of people there that I have come across that really don't know what there doing, or talking about. I always seemed to have a nack for choosing the wrong people, although I know some of them tried with all there hearts. Talking with Dillon is just so differant. He doesn't fuck around or try to impress you with his own interpretations. He says it just as it is in the books of A.A. He says he doesn't go to A.A. because he gets tired of hearing so much bullshit of how people work their program. There is only one program, and the twelve steps that bring us to recovery. For years I confussed the hell out of myself, by not being told exactly how to do things. Lots of people will let you go this way, or that way because they just don't know themselves. I tell you, I came out of that office feeling like I had just had a hundred A.A. meetings injected into me. What a wonderful experience that has rejuvenated my hopes. Dillon is going to do the steps with me. He has set times that you should have done certain steps by. By ten months he says I will have done the steps. I want that. I've never done all of them really, and I've been in and out of A.A. for about twenty five years. It's a miracle I'm still alive. Dillon made me laugh when he talked about how he saw me. He says the one thing he always admired about me was that I kept trying, and that I did. Too fucking scared to ever stop trying. Stop trying and your dead. At one point in the tape the guy was talking about prayer and meditation. He showed a couple of ways that people do it. He said it's by no accident that people fold there hands and neel. He showed another way to meditate that was like a yoga thing. Dillon and I did it too. I felt that calm and peace that I used to have, and I felt totally trusting that Dillon was real. He wasn't fucking with me or trying to impress me at all. He was real. He kissed me when I left, and you know what? I didn't feel anything bad about it. I remember long ago, I would never have let another man kiss me( On the cheek by the way), but I knew Dillon was real. I remember this morning, or afternoon how I felt. I was thinking wheather or not it would be better if I wasn't here. I didn't really want to be here, and live the life that seemed then almost certain. I couldn't see a way out. I didn't have any hope. I was tired. That's changed now. Thank you, God, and thank you Dillon. Good night.