Today after the walk with Tim, I decided to go to the Sobriety Center. I'm glad that I did. Dillon was there, and we ended up having a long talk about everything. I was honest about it. He said a lot of things that really were point blank. Got me very scared about my addictions. He told me about what prescription drugs do to your body. He said they just destroy the insides, and make you old. He told me that eventually people end up being institutionalized, with tubes running through their bodies. He also told me about this guy that I was in Halton House with. He died last week. He wasn't really old. A bit older than me. We had a room together. He was a pain in the ass at the time, but seemed alright in some ways. When I first came to Kitchener I ran into him one day. The change was incredible. He seemed all doped up and was sluring his words. He hardley remembered me. He said that he had a brain operation, so I thought he was that way because of it. Dillon said that he was on Methadone and taking Oxycotten's. He said one day his body just stopped. Pretty scary when you here about things with people you knew. I feel bad for him to die that way. Randell wasn't a bad guy. We got talking about even the medication that I have been taking for depression and sleep. He's not for that, and said I was addicted to that too. Some of it I can understand. I know since I started taking it, I don't feel anything much anymore sexually. I knew that was a side affect, and thought that it would be alright to deal with, but when I was involved with someone, it did cause some problems. Perhaps he does have a point. These medications do affect our emotions. When I first came around recovery, there was a long time that I felt totally against mood altering medications, for just this reason. Dillon has studied medicine, as well as counseling, so I do listen to him. If these medications either alter, or remove emotions, then what are we feeling? Perhaps my medications are too high, or even unecessary. I know that I did like some things that they did, but what other things are they doing to me? I don't know. Are they stopping emotions that I need to recover? I don't know. All I know right now is that what I have been doing, is not working. Dillon said something too about I can't trust my thinking because it just doesn't know how to think right. I beleive him about this. looking back on some of the things I did, when I thought I was doing alright, I see some things that really just seem so stupid, but I did them. Why? Because I thought I knew what I was doing. This really has me down. I don't want to be strugling with addictions all my life. I want to be happy. We even talked about going into treatment again. Although this scares me to lose everything again, and start over, I think I would accept it. I don't want to go on the way I have been. The thought of having to live in some of those places that I cleaned for Bob scares me. I can't imagine living that way, and being surounded by others that are just existing. Or ending up in The House of Freindship...I just can't do it. I would rather kill myself before I ever go there again. Being around people that use, and only exist to use, I just can't do it. To me, that's the end. Might as well check out. The past couple of days I have had some thoughts about checking out. I'm really tired of everything. Hurting people I care about, strugling with addictions all the time, and just having no life whatsoever because of it. I don't feel any connection to God anymore. I pray and try, but it's just not there. I had something before, and I was happy, but right now it's gone. I feel like such a failure in life. It's really not funny. Who in there right mind wants to live a miserable life like this. I don't. That seems all I mostly have because of these stupid addictions. I don't want a pill, or a drink. All I want is to be able to be clean, and able to love somebody. My addictions seem to make me feel like a sucker. Everytime I seem to get close to happiness, it just seems to fool me in some way. Making me think I'm alright, and I got it now. Only to find out, I don't have a damned thing. I hate it.