Today I'm going to focus on trying to get things together. This whole thing with my freind really bothers me. I know i never intentionally meant any harm. A journal is supposed to be a place where you can express your thoughts and feelings freely, no matter what anyone thinks. Actually, it's usually a private thing that people keep to themselves, but on here we share it in the hopes that something might help someone. Having to limit what we write, or worry about how the truth of what we feel will affect others, just limits our abilities to be truthful to ourselves. I guess that's the lesson here. I don't think I would ever share a journal again with someone that I have emotional ties with. The just get angry, and resentful if you ever put down your real feelings. That just isn't right. Anyway, I think I'm going to look for another place to live. This place just has to many memories of the hopes and dreams that brought me here. Every time I look around I'm reminded of G, and it just makes me sad. I don't know what she felt. Aparently it was far differant than what I felt. I really felt that I had met someone that I could share a life with. I have never felt such peace and contentment before. I felt like my whole life was filled with love, and that is what hurts now. I miss that love. I know she had her reasons for going, but I don't beleive what's being said. I still feel very hurt about comming home that day. She doesn't seem to understand how that was. It was a terible thing that I feel should not have happened. Am I so wrong for feeling that? I don't think so. And too because of this whole foolish thing, I'm finding that I'm living with the fear of her turning off the hydro and cable. Thats not a good thing at all. I'm going to see what I need to do to get things in my name. Beeing afraid to say how you feel just because they might try to get even for it? That's really not right, but like I've said all along, it has nothing to do with right, or not. Right now it's emotions that we seem to be dealing with. She's mad because I said this, or that I expressed how I felt. I'm mad because I feel like I sqrewed up something that could have been good, and let myself once again fall in love. I do feel that my heart is broken again. I don't expect her to undetrstand that. It's always been a very hard thing for me to deal with. Seems to stay so long, and there just doesn't seem to be any remedy for that kind of thing. Seems to just take time, and that really sucks. I want to feel good now, and be happy. I don't like this when someone I loved is angry with me, but it's just the way it is. Nothing I can do. I tried apologizing, and phoning, but she's angry and doesn't want to talk. I hope that somehow we can work through this. That would be nice. It doesn't feel good at all having these feelings because of all this. I am sorry that I ever did what I did. I'm so sorry for so much things in my life, and I really don't want this to be another. Hopefully God will take this, and make it better. I hope so. I'm sure that she doesn't feel well either. It would be good if we could just be understanding about this more. I'm willing to. I know we can do it. I'll keep hoping and praying about it. In the meantime, I guess just let things lay where they are. I can't do anything more.