Well, today is another day. Hopefully better than yesterday. Yesterday was a complete waist of time with Bob. Dan and I got talking while we were at this site, doing nothing of course. Aparently the way I'm feeling about Bob is normal. Dan says most people go through the exact same things. So it's not just me. That helps a little. Tim is here now. I'm glad I kept the bedroom. I think I would have really felt pissed off if I gave that up. This morning I tried making room for him. I cleared the closset by the washroom for him. It even feels better having G's nightgowns hanging on my door again. I really miss her, and the happiness I felt when she was here. That was really good, but I have to stay out of there. Who knows whats down the road. I'm going to try and just focus on today and what I can do now. I took the dinning room table apart too, and brought the dresser out that G was using. it's alright so far with Tim. We talked some today. He told me he used a couple of days ago. I know that's not too good, but I'm not worried about using with him. That is definetly not happening. I told him that there is definetly no using here. He's pretty good, and I think I can trust him. He's not a sneaky person or anything like that. He's a pretty honest guy, kind of like myself. If he was to use, I think he would feel guilty enough to have to tell. I was always the same. Never a good liar, because I always felt guilty. Anyway, things seem alright so far. It is good having someone here to talk to. Well see how things go. Might just be what we both need.          Back again. Went out with Tim today for coffee, and just to talk. They only had Espresso at this cafe we went to. He's not used to that, and it really got him buzzing. So far things are going well. It's good having him here. Even tho I feel like drinking, mostly because I feel so shit about where I am in life, and what I've gotten myself to lately, it is good having him here. When I think about drinking, I find now I think about him to. I don't like to fuck up other people, and I won't do that. I've always been pretty stern that way. At times I don't seem to care about myself much, but the guilt of bringing others down with me is more than I like. i'm making stew tonight for us. I guess I'm back to being the cook again. That's alright. I'm good at it, and I'm used to it. That is something new tho. Usually I don't care much about cooking when I'm alone, but having him here seems to give me that motivation. Every little bit helps, right?  He seems happy so far. He likes watching football and stuff,so at least the T.V. is getting used. That's good. I pay for i, but hardley ever watch it. At least now it's being used. I think this is really going to be good. I know I'm pretty good at adapting to any situation, and he seems very easy going. Yes, I think this is going to work. I have to really work on getting back to work. Tomorow I'm going to the Dr's to fill out the form. Hopefully it will happen fast. I really need it I think. As far as I'm concerned, I'm finished with Bob. Too many bad feelings, and all it's doing is pissing me off. I might still work for a bit, but only for the money. Nothing else there. Good riddence to him and all the bullshit. Time to move on, and get back to living. Thank you Lord.     Well, I guess this is the top of the day. So far it's been pretty good. Just trying to settle into things. Having a little trouble with staying away from drinking. I haven't been drinking much. Had about three beers today, mostly because I just hate the way I'm feeling. I know it's not the way, but sometimes I just get a little desperate to not feel what I'm feeling. I'm sick and tired of worrying about everything. it's better so far with Tim here. We had stew for supper. It was nice cooking for someone. By myself I just would not have taken the time to cook, but with someone else here it's not too bad. i took the dinning room table apart. Looks funny seeing the room there. Tim says he has a bed he might bring tomorow. That would be good. I know it's difficult for him with his leg, but it just has to be this way right now. I'm not sure if I could handle the inconveniance of giving up my room right now, on top of all the other shit I feel. So far we are getting along good. We talk, and I do enjoy the talks we have. Tim is someone I find pretty easy to talk to. He doesn't talk stupidness. He's a mellow kind of person that just seems to like relaxing. Anyway, it's good so far. I hope things continue to go well. I'm seeing the Dr tomorow. I think the faster I get back on track with work, and get a sense of normality back, the better I will feel. At least I'm getting food in me the past few days. I still feel a little weak, but getting better. I think it's the weakness I feel that makes it hard to com[pletly give up the pain meds. I have cut them down a lot, but I need to completly cut them out. Just not ready yet. Almost, but not quite yet.         Well, back again for another bit of a recap. Been talking with Tim most of the night. Topic seems to constantly drift into talk about drugs. Perhaps just for tonight i'll let it go on, but it's making me feel uncomfortable. i am starting to feel more determined to stop the pain killers. It's really getting stupid. I'm not using all that much, but I find my mind making all kinds of excuses to keep the cycle going. It's gotta stop. There is no way around it. It's gotta stop. i don't like being on the marygoround. It doesn't go no where, and every day it's making me more angry that I'm allowing it to continue. All this shit that I'm worried about, and my situation is all because of staying on this thing. I'm down to a point that I don't think I will get sick anymore. Might get a headache or something, but I really don't think it will be anything I can't handle. Alright, that is it. Just writting this and looking at the sillyness of it is making me feel like some kind of wimp or something. I know I'm a lot better than that. I have this stupid knot in my stomach from everything. I think it's mostly from worrying about stupid things. I don't owe Bob that much, and if he has to wait then so be it. Time to stand up and be a man, and not some little boy. Tomorow is day one. That's it.