What a bunch of clowns i'm working with. Yesterday the guy takes me to this place to take off wall paper. Why he wanted to, I don't know. One thing I do know that when they have wall paper on in the basement, it's usually to cover up something bad. Sure enough I start taking it off, and find it's three layers thick. Have to scrape like hell. Took me about four hours just to get almost three walls done. Then Paul comes and I show him the mess under the wall paper. Of course he makes like I'm being slow, and he's mad because he knows he fucked up and shouldn't have done it in the fist place. Then he tells me, alright call me at 8 am, because we have to get this done. I wake up feeling like shit, I call him, of course he's sleeping. So I go to Fairview Mall because thats where the house is. Call him again, can't get him because he has the answering machine on. I come back home, call him, then he tries telling me why didn't I call from fairview. I phoned Bob, and he says I made the mess. I feel like ripping their heads off. Just a bunch of fuck ups. I don't really give a shit, because I know whats what. I did what I was told, so I don't need to get mad. This is the kind of everyday shit I go through with these people. I think it's a big reason why I feel so shit lately. Going through this on a daily basis really wears down your possitivity. I find myself getting angry at the stupidness of everything. It's not the kind of work that you get any satisfaction from. All it seems to do is agravate me. Anyway, I talked to G last night. I knew she wasn't going to like what I wrote yesterday in my journal, but I need to start venting and addressing my feelings. It's not intended to hurt her, or anyone else, but I think my journal is really my place. It's for me to put down my feelings and thoughts, regardless of what others think. I know I have my journal open for others to see, and I think I do that so that they can knowv me, or perhaps learn from what I go through. I have kept journals before, but mostly private, but I find it kind of nice to be open. I think it helps me to be real. I don't blame G for anything, and I do know that it's just the way it is. I do love her still, and I do think good about her. We all make choices in life. We can say that there good, bad, wrong or right, but sometimes it just doesn't matter. I learned long ago that debating someones decision to do something, wheather it's right or wrong, won't accomplish a damned thing. The thing that needs looked at, is how that decision has affected me, and why I have a hard time with it, and how, and if I can work through it. Proving the person is right or wrong may help at times in certain ways. An apology at times can help to feel better about it, but it doesn't change a decision that's already done. Holding on to that kind of thing can only build anger, and resentment. I don't want to live with those. I have to forgive no matter what. After all, there is plenty that I would want forgiveness for myself. I've made plenty of bad decisions and choices, that at the time seemed right. Life is hard sometimes. It really is. I'm so tired and worn down, it's not funny. Now that I got the rent under controle, the hydro bill is here. It just seems to never end. Tim never showed up last night. I'm getting sick and tired of being nice. I try to work the things I have learned through A.A. and about God. Itry not to be selfish, and to put others first, but you know what I find is that people just don't seem to care. Were not supposed to do things expecting rewards or anything, and I try to do that. I never ask anything in return. I try to do things knowing that God is the one who knows, and he will reward me. It does get to me tho. Here I am completly trusting him, giving him total freedom of my apartment, and asking next to nothing as far as payment, and he doesn't even show up when he is supposed to. I only asked him for fifty dollars a week. I was going to give him my bedroom, but I've thought that one over again, and it's not happening. I'm the one paying and taking care of everything, and busting my ass for this place. I'll be damned if I'm going to be sleeping on the couch waking up all sore, so some prick that can't even bother to call to say why he's not here, or why he hasn't got the money, or just what's going on, so he can be comfortable. Give my head a shake. As far is this is concerned, I do know how people are a lot. Something probably more convenient for him probably came up, and he'll get in touch later with a whole new story about changes or something. As far as I'm concerned, if you say your going to do something, you stick to it. Not blow whatever way the wind goes. Fuck him. I've gotten through most everything on my own anyway, and I'll get through whatever. Lord, please stay with me. Help me to get my strength back, get off these pills, and get back to that place of comfort with you. Amen    Tim just called now. Supposed to come by. I bet ten to one some completly differant story now. Anyway, I told him about the room. He ain't getting that. Anything else I'm alright with, but I need my room. I feel better already.